around the beehive

A Healthy Breakup - Part 2: Love Yourself & Reclaim Your Flavor

In every relationship both participants are part of a joint identity.  The commonly used pronouns, “I” and “me” usually give way to “us” and “we.”  This joint identity includes the thoughts, feelings, behaviors and preferences of both individuals.  This fundamental identity shift is profound and hard to disengage because it is an essential part of relationship building.  It’s taking black and white and creating something new.  Unfortunately, the new color permeates so deeply that onlookers may not be able to detect who you were before you created the third color. 

Herein lies the question, what do you do when it’s time to break up?  At the end of a relationship, instead of seeing that gray as a beautiful combination of your individual flavors—it only describes the melancholy of your mood and the color of your skies at mid-day. 

Love Yourself & Reclaim Your Flavor

It will take time to mend your heart.  It’s broken and nothing will fix it but time, chocolate and ice cream.  The only thing that will expedite your healing, is finding a way to love yourself without this person.  You must remember the black that created the gray and the red that fashioned the pink.  I always recommend time apart immediately following a breakup.  Have you ever tried to give up double chocolate cake while baking one every Sunday?  It’s nearly impossible.  Why torture yourself?  Remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.  (If there are children involved or some other circumstance that hinders separation, that’s another story.)  But if there is no reason to call or see him other than the fact that you are lonely, don’t do it!

Be Willing to Be Alone

I know.  It’s hard.  Most women don’t appreciate time alone.  It’s boring.  It’s tedious.  It’s lonely.  Throughout our lives we have gone from one institution to another and we’ve gotten lost in the mix.  First, our parents raised us, and we were a reflection of them.  Then there was grade school and we defined ourselves by our grades.  Then there was college and we defined ourselves by our choice of study.  Then there was our boyfriend (substitute causal lover, man, husband, etc.) and we found a way to lose ourselves in that institution/relationship.  Since the moment after delivery from our mother’s belly, most of us have found a way to avoid time alone.   

When a break up happens or needs to happen, one of the reasons we hold on so tightly is because we no longer remember our individual identity.  Once you are willing to redefine yourself and willing to be alone, you will naturally open yourself up to the possibility of a new relationship.  You will be confident in who you are, and you will radiate a light so bright that it will attract the man you desire.  This is an often unrecognized and underutilized law of attraction between the sexes.        

My Advice

Start your next relationship with a strong sovereign identity by ending that no-good relationship currently hindering your blessing.  Promise yourself that you will try.  From time-to-time, take an hour to focus on something other than your ex-boyfriend.  Rededicate yourself to yourself.  If this seems impossible, act as if you are a newfound lover in your life.  Be so excited about yourself, you can’t focus at work.  You can’t sleep.  You can’t wait until the next opportunity to spend time with yourself.  Think about the wonderful things you do and smile.  Reflect, observe and believe, “…aaaah.  It’s good to be you…”

 

TO BE CONTINUTED...

Top Ten Ways to Remain Single

Ladies, it's time we look at ourselves.  Let's be introspective for a moment.  What are some of the things we do that keep us single?  I'm sure you could go on for hours about your girlfriends, but what about you?  Here is a list of things that definitely hinder your happiness and help you remain single: 

10.  Sitting at home after work and on the weekends.  Being a couch potato is never a good look for the single woman.  Your cat or dog will love you for it, but your love life will suffer.  Your house maybe spotless, but those aren't the cobwebs you should be worried about.  Here's a hint, load your schedule up with events.  Cancel some if you need to, but go out!

9.  Refusing to entertain blind dates or friendly introductions.  What's wrong with meeting one of your sister's co-workers or your cousin's personal trainer from the gym?  If you're a savy single woman, a blind date will only cost you a little bit of time and effort.  Don't get me wrong, we've all heard about blind dates from hell...but have an exit plan!  You are not above a fake phone call from your girlfriend hiding in the bushes. Do whatcha gotta do, girl! 

8.  Dating a married man or otherwise involved man.  See my blog on Man-Sharing.

7.  Looking like an "in-cog-negro" when you run errands.  Guess what?  That hoodie and those sweat pants you had on the other day are not sexy!  Men need groceries too.  They run to the post office, gas station and mall on a regular basis.  Look good for crying out loud!  But please don't be the girl at the gym wearing big hoop earrings and bright red lipstick.  That's just tacky and desperate.

6.  Drinking too much when you go out.  Whether it's a company function, a networking event or a house party, stay away from the hard liquor if you can't handle it.  Getting loud and obnoxious is definitely not a good look.  And throwing up in a corner is a huge turnoff!  Onlookers, especially men, will shake their head and think, "see now, that's why she's single..."  (I love that phrase!) If you wanna drink too much and act a fool, save it for a night in with the girls. 

5.  Acting like a fool at the club.  See my blog on Club Etiquette 101.

4.  Passing up a man just because he doesn't look like Denzel or Morris Chestnut.  I can't even begin to count the number of men my girls pass up just cuz they don't look like a movie star.  Everyone gets touchy when it comes to this topic.  I know you have to be sexually attracted to him.  I am not saying date someone who repulses you.  Just be willing to give the man a chance.  A nice looking man with an ugly attitude is ugly in my book.  Check your book.

3.  Repeating the past.  How many times do you have to date the same type of brotha?  They are so much alike, you have to be careful not to call the new guy the wrong name.  I refer to this situation as dating the same demon in different clothing.  It's the cliche we all know very well: insanity.  Come on ladies, you know what you need to do to get different results!!!

2.  Dating men with illegitimate jobs.  I can't emphasize this enough!  (I'm not pointing fingers--I am guilty of this too...)  Remember Tommy from Martin's television show?  A man who has money, but doesn't go to work is a problem.  I don't care what the man does, as long as he is committed to legitimate work and handling his own, he has potential.  I know women who married street pharmacists.  And guess what?  They are basically living the single life while their husband is gone until November (2015).

1.  Treating singleness like a sickness.  I will continue to say this until it sinks in.  Life is about more than having a man.  Listen, you will be as happy in a new relationship--once the novelty wears off--as you are right now.  It's that simple.  Appreciate life and the opportunity to know yourself without outside distractions.  Think about the grass being greenest under your feet.  I know you have friends who are unhappily married or locked into in bad relationships.  They wish they were single!  Anyway, if you're still not convinced, I'll keep blogging...

If you want to add to this list, comment below or email me at bericka@gmail.com.

~bee. 

Is it Possible? A Healthy Breakup...Part 1

Sweetie, listen to me.  That pain in your chest is not a heart attack.  You are currently experiencing the withdrawals of a recent breakup.  Can't sleep?  Check.  Can't eat?  Check.  Wanna eat everything in your pantry?  Check.  Feel like your world is coming to an end?  Check.  Can't see a day when you will be happy again?  Check.  When he left, it felt like he took a part of you with him?  Check.

NOT SO...Your brightest days are ahead of you. 

If you've ever been in a relationship, you've also experienced a breakup.  Breakups are as frequent as the common cold in the height of the winter season; yet, to the woman reluctantly going through a breakup, it feels like the flu.  We live in a culture where relationships are started over night, but breakups take months and even years.

Is it possible?  A healthy breakup?...Yes!  You can find ways to cope with the changes in your life, grieve and eventually move on.  Considering I was dumped about 6 times this year, I have compiled a few helpful tips that helped me.  Here is part 1:

Brace Yourself when the Breakup is Looming.  Most of you know when a breakup is coming.  But if you feel blindsided it's because you were probably living in denial.  In retrospect, most women are able to see the signs they previously missed. Your boyfriend, who was with you every weekend, is suddenly scarcely available.  He finds ways to be unavailable for engagements that he would usually attend.  He becomes uncommunicative and despondent.  He is excited about everything that doesn't involve you.  He cancels dates and you two rarely have quality time.  Clearly something has changed. 

It's often hard to know whether a relationship is truly over or whether you are just experiencing a bump in the road.  Maybe time apart will prove that your relationship is not over.  It's possible the two of you are taking each other for granted.  Only time and careful consideration will tell.  Regardless, when a breakup is looming, it's time to prepare yourself for the single lifestyle. 

Hopefully you are not a jumper: a person who jumps from one relationship to another--it's not healthy.  Try to remember what your life looked like before you met this man.  You should have used your time to enhance your social networking skills, and you should have been going on lots of dates.  (Not a bad way to live.)  You should have appreciated your time alone and spent time re-inventing yourself.  You should have been exploring your city or picking up new hobbies.  (Call me a nerd, but as a single woman I taught myself how to knit, picked up sign language and learned to be comfortable with going to dinner, movies and concerts by myself.)  Whatever you do, you should be busy loving yourself. 

Single life isn't all doom and gloom.  With anything that doesn't come easy, practice makes perfect.  Look at singleness as a blessing in disguise.  You won't be coupled up and happy until you are single and happy.  Trust me--it's possible. 

TO BE CONTINUED... 

The Numbers Game

One of the hardest games to play in dating is the numbers game.  It requires patience and stamina.  In the collective experience, there isn’t one woman alive who has made a connection with every guy she met or tried to date.  In my experience, I have found that you generally have to sift through a lot of men to find the gold pieces.  I call it the 10-to-1 rule.

 

Let’s say you meet ten guys, you will find that at least three of them are jerks.  These are the jerks you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.  These are the dates that should end abruptly, give the excuse that you left your curling iron on or you just got called into work.  In extreme circumstances, tell him you are an international spy for the government and a person you are investigating is sitting two tables down.  Be dramatic. When he goes to see who you are talking about, grab his hand and say, “You can't look!  You might draw his attention!” 

 

Then with a serious face, inform him that you cannot jeopardize your mission and you must leave immediately to report his location to your colleagues. Be sure to mention that he must never tell anyone about this conversation or this date, and you will do the same.  Once you get outside and around the corner, crack up and call your girlfriends.  Whatever your excuse is, get out of there.  Don’t waste your time on jerks!

 

Of the seven guys remaining who aren’t completely appalling, the bad news is that you’re only going to have chemistry with approximately three of them.  For one reason or another, you will find a way to sift through the other four candidates.  It could be any number of things.  Maybe you like a clean cut guy, and one of them brags about cutting his hair himself.   Clearly he can't draw a straight line, much less clip his hair straight. 

 

Another guy might be completely boring.  Perhaps he monopolizes conversations with stories about his job as an accountant.  He believes that accounting is the most interesting thing in the world, and can't understand why anyone wouldn't agree.  On dates he is so busy talking and not listening, he wouldn't notice if you left the room. 

 

Another one of the doomed four will size you up in the first five minutes, and determine you are the woman destined to take care of him.  He will ask for your hand in marriage on the second date.  I believe in love at first sight, but stalker at first sight is scary!  There is clearly an underlying problem there.  Unless you are ready to be a grown man’s mother, run for your life!

 

So now you are down to three men who you find reasonably attractive and you enjoy each other’s personalities.  Guess what?  It's likely that only one of them is actually looking for a relationship.  Every guy you meet, who would make the perfect boyfriend or husband isn’t ready to be tied down just yet; maybe eventually, but not in the moment you meet him.  You need to be ready to accept that.  An honest man will tell you if he is ready for a relationship.  A respectable man will really mean it.  Make sure his actions are congruent with his words.

 

How long does it take you to meet ten men?  Ten days or ten months?  It depends on how often you go out.  They don't knock on your door.  The key to being happily single is about keeping your numbers up.  To do it, you must rule out the men who won’t stick around and it keep moving.  You cannot waste your time on the 9 men who don’t make the cut. 

 

Are you the single woman who keeps a man around because he's a warm body at night and the two of you share a strong physical connection--even when it's clear he doesn’t want a relationship?  I can't advise this if you are sleeping with him.  Agree or disagree with me, but a bad guy with good sex can make you do things you wouldn’t normally do.  If you don’t understand why, stay tuned.  I have a lot to say regarding the games men and women play when it comes to sex etiquette.  Regardless, if you are not meeting men, you are likely to be single for a really long time.   

Single & Happy, For Real!

It may seem odd that 2 months, 34 posts and 34 comments into DC's premier single woman's blog, that I would finally introduce myself.  This morning I realized those of you who don't know me, might want to know why I am writing a book and blogging for single women in the DC area and around the world. 

My History

I am 31 years old.  I don't have children, I've never been married, my longest relationship lasted 6 months and my average relationship might survive the 30 day mark.  My friends have often said, "we aren't even going to bother remembering his name until week five."  I've been accused of finding my men at Costco: in bulk and variety packs.  (You got a good laugh at my expense that day, didn't you Mr. Mellow Yellow?)  The truth is, I have spent a majority of my life relationship-dysfunctional. 

What's Wrong With Me?

Earlier this year, I started to wonder whats wrong with me?  Why am I still single?  I am a good person, right?  (I had no idea the odds were against me in such a critical way.  Seventy percent of Black women are single; if you gamble, you know those aren't good odds)  It wasn't until I was in a really bad relationship with some intense emotional and verbal abuse, that the alarms went off.  I realized it wasn't me.

I realized there is nothing innately wrong with me.  I learned that being happily single was a better option than dating men who couldn't appreciate my worth.  Our mothers have told us since the beginning of time, "you can do better all by yourself!"  But since we were old enough to make excuses and believe them, we have told ourselves, we need sex, we need support, we need a man--even if none of it is any good. Hmmmmm...

So I started reading books and researching about being single and being at peace with it.  And slowly but surely things started to change.  A switch didn't flick on, but a dimmer slowly and steady brought light and enlightenment into my life.  I would lay in bed at night and be thankful I had a roof over my head, instead of cursing the empty space to my right.  I would find jazz spots and concerts that interested me, so I could mix and mingle.  I would go out by myself; I would go on dates and keep a safe distance from my suitor while I analyzed his intentions.  I started spreading the word, you can be single and happy.

The Opposition

Most women thought I was promoting a novel idea.  Men tended to think, "she is fooling herself cuz she can't get a man."  I didn't care.  I explained, "I don't want to be single forever, but I am dedicated to being happy while I am single.  My life started 31 years ago.  I won't wait for a man, to truly start enjoying my life."  Some men accepted my eager professions, others rejected it.  Most were insecure.  They were so used to needy women, they couldn't figure out how to approach me.  I wasn't interested in having sex with them, being used or objectified.  I was solely interested in sharing myself with someone worthwhile.

The Support

My girlfriends rallied around me.  Some were reluctant, but most were tired of being tired.  Being happy seemed like a chore to some of my girlfriends.  They had spent so long choosing to be unhappy, every fiber of their existance resisted.  I loved them and hugged them anyway.  I hoped that my joy would rub off.

My Advice

Be happy girl!  Love yourself first!  Single isn't a disease.  It is a blessed and sacred moment in time to learn yourself.  Make your mistakes.  Celebrate your achievements.  Live your life.  Empower yourself.  Then when you are old and married, you can sit around the fireplace on cold December nights and tell your daughters about your life as a single woman.  You can encourage her to wait for love and all its splendor.  You can kiss your husband, look him in the eye and know he was worth the wait.   

I love you.  God loves you.  You love you. 

Chase and Ye Shall Not Catch

 

Have you ever looked for love in all the wrong places? Have you ever worked to get the attention of a man who didn't understand the value of knowing you and loving you? Have you ever had a crush on someone who didn’t know you were alive? Yes. We all have. If you don’t agree with any of my blogs—I am begging—listen to this word of advice. Never, never, never ever chase a man! 

The art of man-chasing never looks good on a woman of class and sophistication. This is the reason the classic Tom & Jerry cartoon is so amusing. No matter how hard he tried or what hare-brained scheme he came up with, Tom could never catch Jerry. Sometimes, Tom would close in, but he was always out-smarted—by a mouse with a brain the size of a pencil eraser! The cat and mouse game is never a good idea when it comes to dating.

Let’s take a look at my friend Raquel. She was introduced to David through a mutual friend and over several phone conversations they hit it off initially. After their first or second date, it was clear that David wasn’t into her as much as she was into him. He tried to pull away, but she didn’t pay attention to his clues. I would describe David as passive-aggressive in his approach. He didn't have the courage to tell her she wasn't his type, and he thought it was wrong to simply dismiss her.  Subsequently, he would pay just enough attention to keep her hanging on. He would ignore her phone calls 65% of the time and commit to dates he knew he would cancel. 

 

The more he backed away, the more she pursued him. She would go to parties she heard he was attending. She would call him every day, in spite of the fact that he wasn’t calling her back. She would email him notes to say she was thinking was about him. She liked him and was relentless in her pursuit. She had no idea that it was a turn off, and her actions made him want to run in the other direction whenever he saw her coming.

 

There are several things that this type of behavior says about a woman. First, it reeks of desperation. Guys normally want what they can’t have or what belongs to another man. I assume it has something to do with their primal hunting instincts. If you are too available and he doesn’t have to work to get you, you become a spoiled catch. It’s like you were caught and left behind by another pack of hungry lions.  I barely passed economics in college, but i understand supply and demand.  If its clear that your demand is low, he will not want you either.

 

Always being available also says that you have nothing going on in your life. It’s very uncool to be boring. A man needs to know that you will have a life outside of him, should he decide to date you. Ask your closest married girlfriend how many times her husband gets together with the fellas to watch football, golf or play poker. If either of these activities are not his thing, it might be fishing or hiking. If they are in a healthy relationship, they break apart for personal time at least once a week or a few times a month. It is only natural.

 

Check this out, let him come to you. Stop trying to make it work. Your efforts will be fruitless and your energy will be wasted on someone who doesn’t want it anyway. Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that a guy doesn’t like you.  Know that you are wonderful and  special in so many ways.  He is not 110% perfect for you, because he has one detrimental flaw. He doesn’t see the beauty in you. He can’t help it, he's not meant for you. The man who is meant for you, will see you for who you are.  His passion for you will flow effortlessly. Relax. Pick up a hobby and wait for Mr. Wonderful to arrive.

If you are curious to know how Raquel is doing now, I am happy to update you. As you might expect, in the end David didn’t fall madly in love with her. But she did eventually take up skiing and meet a guy everyone considers husband material on a singles ski trip. They are polar opposites—she's a short, thick Mexican girl, and he's a tall, thin, clumsy Caucasian guy.  They are very much in love and laugh when they think about the people they tried to date in the past.

 

There are many things in life you should chase. Your dreams. Your career. Your dog who has your tennis bracelet in his mouth. But never ever chase a man!