around the beehive

Homage to My Hips

Losing a loved-one always sends me to a place where I can better appreciate life.  Poetry has moved me since discovering it in grade school; yet, the grind of daily life twenty-five years later buried that love affair. 

 

So in rememberance of Nonnie and words that have inspired me, I will spend some time remembering those people and poems that I love.

 

Homage to My Hips

by Lucille Clifton 

these hips are big hips.
they need space to
move around in.
they don't fit into little
petty places. these hips
are free hips.
they don't like to be held back.
these hips have never been enslaved,
they go where they want to go
they do what they want to do.
these hips are mighty hips.
these hips are magic hips.
i have known them
to put a spell on a man and
spin him like a top 

P.S.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Jill Scott's new HBO show!!!

A Dream Deferred

 

A Dream Deferred

by Langston Hughes

 

 

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Tribute to Nonnie

My Godmother passed today, and in tribute I remembered poems that would honor her.  Phenomenal Women by Maya Angelou, first came to mind but it provides finite insight to her character and confidence.  Then I looked to Nicki Givoanni and her poem, Mothers; but it only starts the story of Nonnie's womanly mystery and best qualities. 

 

She was the type of woman whose love was best seen through her actions.  She gave and gave and gave until the day God called her.  I will always remember her heart and how she gave of herself generously and relentlessly.  I will miss her and hope to continue to honor her by learning from the example she inspired.   

 

Woman Work

by Maya Angelou  

   

I've got the children to tend
The clothes to mend
The floor to mop
The food to shop
Then the chicken to fry
The baby to dry
I got company to feed
The garden to weed
I've got shirts to press
The tots to dress
The can to be cut
I gotta clean up this hut
Then see about the sick
And the cotton to pick.

Shine on me, sunshine
Rain on me, rain
Fall softly, dewdrops
And cool my brow again.

Storm, blow me from here
With your fiercest wind
Let me float across the sky
'Til I can rest again.

Fall gently, snowflakes
Cover me with white
Cold icy kisses and
Let me rest tonight.

Sun, rain, curving sky
Mountain, oceans, leaf and stone
Star shine, moon glow
You're all that I can call my own.

Comments From "NOBODY"

Recently someone stumbled onto my blog and made some interesting comments.  Initially, I was angered, but then I had to laugh.  I remembered opinions are like the common cold in the height of the winter—everyone is bound to catch a nasty one once in a while.

 

Anonymous and appropriately self-titled “NOBODY,” made the following remarks after reading a couple of my entries:

 

“You Forgot Reason number 11.  Stop reading Negative Blogs like this.  You can't attract something, by constantly thinking and reading about it's opposite.  And chances are if you attracted this blog, you are probably repealing the opposite of what this blog is about. Think about that for a minute!!!!

 

Disrespect. How is that disrespect. Hell in the 20's what you considered plain dancing would have been considered Disrespect. Get off you miserable high horse.

 

Talking about you can't find love in a club. I doubt you could find love anywhere. It’s not the club it's probably you...”

 

I guess “NOBODY” felt personally attacked by my blog and felt the need to attack back.  I think most of my readers would agree my blog is far from negative.  It’s meant to be entertaining and help us laugh at ourselves and some of the silly things we do—over and over again.  Furthermore, I have never alleged that my opinions are fact or the gospel.  They are a reflection of things that have happened in my life and the lives of my close friends.  I don’t feel the need to debate or defend any of my opinions—because I never stated them as facts. 

 

And while it would be really easy to attack back, I am going to take the high road.  I don’t know how this person found my website, but the fact that he or she did tells me that I am still working the search engines.  (And that's reason to celebrate!)  Let’s face it; people want to know about living a happy, successful and fulfilling life—especially in these tough economic times.  So I am happy to be a part of spreading the word.  Cheers to everyone who reads this regardless of what box you check on an application: Single, Married, Separated, Divorced, Living with Someone, Widowed, etc.  Work it and work it good! 

 

Love ya,

~bee

Is FaceBook the New Starbucks?

This morning when I checked my FaceBook account I had 31 friend requests and 117 other miscellaneous requests and notifications. As I think about the time it will take to get caught up, I absolutely dread it. I have to click through profiles, figure out if I really know those requesting my online friendship—or if they are randomly trying to befriend people so they can inundate inboxes with junk emails. I am sure there will be people I am happy to hear from, but the energy it will take overwhelms me. I have been avoiding FaceBook with the same passion as bill collectors. Am I alone here?

I am not sure why I have resisted advances in social networking. I blog and email, isn’t that enough? Creating profiles and exchanging information online wasn’t even on the radar as a teenager in the nineties. The most my high school classmates hoped for was a couple of pictures in the year book and being crowned class clown or most likely to earn a million dollars before thirty. It baffles me how at the young age of 31, I’m a dinosaur because I don’t use my smart phone to check-in with FaceBook every hour.

Newsflash...While I encourage online dating sites, meeting men on social networking sites is virtually impossible. The only thing these sites are useful for is investigating someone you’ve met via other means or tracking them down later. I never found much use for MySpace until I needed it to track down an ex who owed me money. Bastard. (Ooops, did I say that out loud?) Guys with 400 female friends—all of whom look like they used their XM centerfold to create their profile—are not the type of guys you want to settle down with.

When I first got on FaceBook late last year, I felt I had almost completely missed the boat. It was like a co-worker having said, “Let’s get Starbucks” and I leaned in and asked, “What’s that?” How deep was the hole I had been living in? Discovering this new form of rich mocha latte that was free, at the tip of my fingers and close as my computer screen—it only took a few days before I was hooked. An absolute addict. I was on FaceBook before work, during lunch and at the end of the day. Each time I looked at a friend’s profile or found a long lost BFF, it was like taking another deep gulp of caffeine crack.

Then one day, I got over it. It was like realizing that Dunkin Donuts had pretty good coffee too. I no longer craved “social-networking” Starbucks or sending and receiving gifts on FaceBook. I didn’t have time to update my status or see what a friend in California was doing with her extra 3 hours late into the evening. I went from one extreme to the other. Even as email notifications in my inbox taunted me, I managed to go months without logging in.

The crazy thing is, my reluctance yields nothing—I am still plugged into the machine. I cannot escape. It dictates my life whether I pay attention or not. I have missed critical updates from friends and family, because I haven’t logged on. Friends have said, “You didn’t know? I posted it on FaceBook.” This is true FaceBook frenzy. Give in or tempt fate. Advance or regress. Use FaceBook or risk extinction with the rest of the dinosaurs.

Not So Single. And Happy???

Blogging about the single life is never easy, because it is the ultimate catch-22.  While one never wishes to be single forever, one must learn how to manage happiness while being single.  As a thirty-something woman who had never been in a real relationship, I prided myself on having perfected it.  I lived the single life and I preached it.  I found personal satisfaction in helping the single and unhappy woman find joy.   I started writing a book about it, I started blogging about it.  I was the supreme poster child. 

 

I definitely appreciate the woman I became, but in retrospect I discovered one critical flaw that would cause problems for me later on.  I was single first and Bericka second.  Okay, that might not make since at first glance, but here’s what happened…

 

THE LATE BLOOMER

Everyone comes into “their own” at different times in their life.  For some it happens at sunrise, for others at sunset and for me it was at dawn.  As a child, I was never quite comfortable inside my skin.  Don’t get me wrong, I was cute—but people were always saying, “You would be so pretty if you lost a few pounds” or “You have such a beautiful face…”  I know a few of you out there have either made these statements or been a victim of them. 

 

I could spend hours writing about how harshly I was treated as an overweight child, and how I loathed the weight as an obese adult, but that’s not the point I am trying to make.  It wasn’t until 2006 when I decided to make some permanent changes in my lifestyle—that I was able to turn my situation around.  I spent most of my 20’s unhealthy and unhappy.  But after losing a significant amount of weight I was able to stare boldly into my 30’s—and dare anyone to try to blow out my fire.

 

LESS LARGE, BUT NOW IN CHARGE

With my new found perspective and tight fitting jeans—I was ready for anything.  I hit the dating scene with a vengeance!  I had to make up for lost time.  I was able to go out 3 or 4 times a week and enjoy the night life that many people took for granted.  But my prospective was different.  Very different.  Because I had been single a lot longer than I had been in charge of my social life, the two identities became deeply intertwined.  Ahhh—the fatal flaw.

 

After I found myself in a relationship, I became the antithesis of everything that I had preached just a few short months ago.  On top of this dramatic change—I was so self-unaware, I didn’t even see my fire blowing out.  Once I found myself no longer single, I systematically ceased those activities I considered “of the single life.”  Going out, writing, blogging, enjoying my alone time.  My color, my vibrance, my glow and my fire slowly disintegrated.      

 

WILL WORK FOR HAPPINESS

Now that I have identified the problem, I know that the only person to blame is myself.  I was confused and mislead by what I thought a relationship should be.  I find myself in the need of redefinition.  How does Bericka exist within a healthy relationship and be happy?  Have fire and glow?  To be honest, I am not sure.  This is unfamiliar territory for me.  But I am willing to work on it.  I have to—or the decay that has been lurking inside of me will eat away at a perfectly wonderful relationship.  And that would be a shame.

 

Lastly, I must thank each and every one of my friends and readers who has been patient with me while slowly slipped out of sight.  Thank you for loving me even while I was not being true to myself.  XXXOOO...

I Think This Applies to You

i found this while surfing on the net.

The Winter Ten: Venting About Winter Weight Gain

There is a reason why bears hibernate in the winter; they are smarter than the average human.  Wild animals and other scrumptious menu items for your friendly neighborhood bear are scarce in the winter.  Instead of fighting the natural cycle of life, bears have found a smarter way to deal with the weather.  They hibernate.  They find a cozy cave and make it their home from early October until April, and sometimes even May.

If I were a bear my name would be Matilda, and I would climb into my cave right after my birthday in September where I would stay until May flowers are in full bloom.  But my name isn’t Matilda, and the way I deal with the winter is to pack on the layers.  I use tee-shirts, long johns, sweaters and a less flattering layer of fat.  The Winter Ten is what I like to call it.

This morning I weighed myself and realized the scale hadn’t dropped below 180 since last October.  I hate to make excuses, but the winter weather must be the reason for my superfluous fat.  What else could it be?  Unlike our gigantic furry friends who can’t find food in the cold, winter offers mankind glutinous Thanksgiving and Christmas feasts.  Gyms are often overcrowded and less desirable during winter months.  Furthermore, I’d rather curl up with comfort foods on extremely cold days than take part in my weekly ritual of summer happy hours and weekend clubbing.  I eat more and do less.  It’s a basic equation that equals increased fat cells around my midsection, i.e. butt, hips and thighs.

Then just like clockwork, spring arrives.  Frosty mornings aren’t so frosty, and going out doesn’t require as much effort—I can throw on a summer dress, some sandals and call it a day.  The thing that I like about warmer weather is that I lose weight without even thinking about it.  (Not much, just the ten pounds I picked up in the winter).  The sun is shining, the air is warmer and the days are longer.  I want to be out and about more just because the weather inspires me.  I walk more, dance more, and move more.  I love the spring and the summer!

Ahhhhh, if only I could avoid the Winter Ten and sail right into summer without picking up the extra weight.   I’m 5’10” and my target healthy weight is 165.  I was only ten pounds away from goal last summer.  If my starting point in 2009 was 175 instead of 185, I might finally reach my goal this summer.    Anyway, I just needed to vent.  I feel like a fat cat who wants to avoid the rest of the winter by being a bear named Matilda for the next 3 more months.

Longing for the spring…

~bee

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

I will be at Steve Harvey's book signing this Friday, January 30 at the Borders in Largo, MD.  Email me at bericka@gmail.com if you want to join me.

Click Here for Details

SYNOPSIS:  Steve Harvey, the host of the nationally syndicated Steve Harvey Morning Show, can't count the number of impressive women he's met over the years, whether it's through the "Strawberry Letters" segment of his program or while on tour for his comedy shows. These are women who can run a small business, keep a household with three kids in tiptop shape, and chair a church group all at the same time. Yet when it comes to relationships, they can't figure out what makes men tick. Why? According to Steve it's because they're asking other women for advice when no one but another man can tell them how to find and keep a man.

In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve lets women inside the mindset of a man and sheds lights on concepts and questions such as:

– The Ninety Day Rule: Ford requires it of its employees. Should you require it of your man?

– How to spot a mama's boy and what if anything you can do about it.

– When to introduce the kids. And what to read into the first interaction between your date and your kids.

– The five questions every woman should ask a man to determine how serious he is.

– And more...

Sometimes funny, sometimes direct, but always truthful, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is a book you must read if you want to understand how men think when it comes to relationships.

Nice Guys Don't Have to Finish Last

Can we just be honest with ourselves for a moment?  The phrase nice guys finish last has to be the most misused and overrated phrase in the history of dating.  Coined by Leo Durocher, a controversial and outspoken Baseball player, manager and Hall of Famer, it was originally meant to describe the dynamics of baseball—not dating.   I assume the concept that nice guys are naturally disadvantaged in dating was probably around long before Durocher, but he inadvertently gave it life.  It wouldn’t take long before men and women alike dropped the sports reference and gave this petite phrase the large persona plaguing today’s dating world.

Here is my philosophy on this age old debate.  We need to stop all the generalizing and be more specific with our labeling!  Just because a guy lacks humor, personality, or confidence doesn’t make him a “nice guy.”  It makes him uncomical, boring and/or insecure.  Furthermore, we shouldn’t mistake the lack of chemistry with a lack of personality.  Just because you don’t want him, doesn’t mean the next girl won’t.  Here are a few words that are synonymous with nice: pleasing, agreeable, amiable, pleasant and kind.  Give me a man who wishes to please me any day over a womanizer you can’t find 5 days out of the week.  

 

Recently, one of my girlfriend’s met a guy who was different from her usual dating interest.  Her usual catch was either someone from her past (she loves recycling men), a new guy with very little motivation (we are lucky if he has a job worth writing home about), or he's a philanderer (he has several women fawning over him and has no intentions of committing to any of them).  To our surprise, this new guy had an above satisfactory, suit and tie job, and he made it clear early in their conversations that he was looking for a long-term relationship. 

 

Perfect catch, huh?  Nope.  He was dry as sticks.  He was a BORING guy—no quotation marks needed!  She would call me, asking for ideas.  How could she make it work?  After all, he was a “nice guy”.  She tried for months—she felt guilty and wrong.  Here was her chance for a real relationship, if only she could do the “nice guy” thing.  I told her to stop trying.  She was holding him up from finding the woman who might his nerdy jokes funny.  But ahhhhh, you live and you learn...

Then there is the other side of the token.  Just because a guy has favorable characteristics such as charm, charisma, confidence and swagger doesn’t make him an automatic “bad boy”; it simply makes him attractive.  And if we really want to be honest with ourselves, Ladies—we need admit that the true root of this “bad boy” phenomenon are those of us who place these men on pedestals.   We turn them into the "bad guys".  Some of us are so needy and drawn to their charm and swagger, we are willing to do whatever it takes and sacrifice whatever the situation warrants to spend time with them.  How else do you explain men out here with 3 different girlfriends and 8 children by 6 previous women?  Clearly they are kicking some sort of serious game and there are a few of us out here who are desperate enough to fall for it.  You and I might not be interested in it, but I bet you they will continue to find women who will worship at their feet. 

Let’s stop sizing men up as first glance.  Don’t buy into the nice guys finish last.  Ask yourself, what kind of guy finishes last in your book.  Is it a confident, chatty guy or a guy with little, but profound conversation?  Is it a man who doesn’t care about his looks or a man who tries to be prettier than you?  Is it the guy who works 3 jobs so he can floss at the bar or the wanna-be thug with no job and no car?  You decide.

 

All I am saying, is let’s leave the nice guy finishes last mentality to the spittin' baseball players, 300-pound football jocks and the tall basketball players.  In sports, men have to be ruthless, rough and rugged to win.  When it comes to your heart, seek men that are gentle, endearing, faithful and loyal.  Chile' please...it's 2009!—You NEED to find yourself a sexy nerd! 

 

;0) ~bee

 

Understand Yourself. Learn. Grow. And Repeat.

I can remember a few short years ago, thinking that I was suffering from the symptoms of mold exposure.  I had headaches, trouble breathing and chest pain.  I had recently moved into a house I kept as an investment for a little more than a year, and the basement had flooded during the previous tenant’s residency.   I remember thinking there was mold lurking behind the drywall, and it must be the reason for my sudden onslaught of fatigue and discomfort.  

Before starting mold remediation, which could easily cost a couple thousand dollars, I attempted to read everything Google had to say about mold.  When I learned that only people who are allergic to mold experience health effects from exposure, I decided to go see an allergist.  I was poked at least 50 times in the upper fatty tissue of my arm and tested for a variety of allergens, including mold.

As the allergist read my results, he could hear my phone buzzing in my purse (at least 4 different calls in less than 7 minutes) and he could see the anxiety on my face because wasn’t answering the phone.  When he asked about my occupation, I told him I was a real estate agent.  I could see the light bulb click on in his head; the answer seemed very clear.  I wasn’t allergic to mold, I was stressed out.  He stopped reading the results and gave me a lecture on stress.  The headaches, trouble breathing and chest pain was most likely a byproduct of the toxins and stress hormones, cortisol, GH and norepinephrine being released in my body.

He explained that stress has tumultuous and often undiagnosed effects on the body.  Just as it disrupts the flow of our emotional health, it disrupts the normal function of our organs and causes muscular inflammation.  My body was “stress-fatigued”.  His advice was simple, I needed to understand myself.  I needed to stop stressing, relax and find comfort in the small innocuous joys of life.

Easier said than done, right? 

Yes.  But that day, I left his office poignantly convicted.  I needed to treat myself better.  I was out of touch with my emotional health.  While I could easily spot the errors of others, I was blind to my own situation.  That summer day, I made several decisions that I would execute over the next few months.  I would lighten my load and appreciate my situation as an opportunity for self growth.  It took some time, but the headaches ceased, and the knot in my chest dissolved.

Did it end there? 

No.  My convictions served their purpose but became irrelevant over time.  I grew and then I didn’t understand the newer version of myself.  Just a few short days into 2009, I find myself revisited by that same beast that took over my life a few years ago: stress.  Today, it is in a different form, but still a beast.  Can you relate?

So I am using today’s blog as an opportunity to confess--I am still trying to figure myself out.  I am far from perfect, and there are times I don’t listen to my own advice.  I may have a few answers, but I certainly do not have all of them.  But fortunately, I am in constant search for answers wherever I can find them.  Here is a list of questions I ask myself quite regularly: 

--Who am I in my mind's eye, reality and in the eyes of others?  Does it matter?

--What do I want out of life?

--Is my situation permanent?  If so, is this a lie I am telling myself?

--What can I do to improve my situation?

--If I tried and failed, how hard did I really try?

--What’s next?

 

If you find that these questions help change your situation, I am glad I shared.  It’s important that we take the time to look deep inside of ourselves and make some convictions.  Understand yourself.  Learn.  Grow.  And repeat.  I am right there with you.  Good luck!

 

On The Mall with President Barack Obama

Witnessing history has to be one of the most fulfilling experiences in life.  Last year was a turning point in my life, our country and the world.  As an individual, I voted and helped elect Barack Obama into the United States presidency.  Then on January 20, 2009 I watched him take office. 

Absolutely incredible!

I stood outside in the bitter cold for 8 hours.  My fingers frozen, my toes numb.  I can't even begin to explain how my body yearned to give into the cold weather.  I looked for refuge in the Smithsonian--access was not granted.  I waited in line over 40 minutes to sit on a warming bus for twenty minutes--again, access was not granted.  I have an extreme aversion to cold weather, and while I had on at least 5 layers of clothing and two pairs of gloves--2 hours into my expedition, they felt like a thin layer of terry cloth.  It was shear will and determination that kept me on the Mall.

Once I got out of the cold, into the heat, showered and slept for 5 hours--the pain and suffering was a distant memory...I am so glad I was there.  Yes, Bericka T. Wilkins, a woman who shivers and shakes in 45 degree weather, was on the Mall with President Barack Obama and a few million of his supporters. 

Someone send me a button saying, "I Survived the 2009 Inauguration!"  Here are my pictures--

BEFORE DAWN

 

 

SECURITY

 

 

THE MASSES

 

 

 

 

 

US

 

 

 

Expect Your Blessings in 2009

A new year is the ultimate fresh start.  It's the new car smell.  It's the extra swagger in your step when you don a new pair of shoes.  It's the deep breath you take after a risky, new hair style unearths an aura buried deep within you. It is also important to note, 2009 is the threshold that many of our friends and family members did not cross.  I believe it is our generational and dutiful obligation to make 2009 our best year yet.  

In the sacred footsteps of 2008, I am not making New Year's Resolutions.  I refuse to give into the pressure of resolving all my issues for 3 weeks every 365 days.  Last year, instead of New Year's resolutions, I claimed certain blessings.  I prayed that I would be blessed in my finances and my relationships.  I didn't ask for anything specific--only that I would be blessed.  I figured the universe knew what I needed.  Immediately after praying for my blessings, I began to expect them.  I thought about my blessings all the time.  I dreamed about them, and I told anyone willing to listen how I was going to attract these changes into my life.  I celebrated them long before I received them.

Unfortunately, my convictions were sometimes challenged with doubt.  And in my bleakest moments, my faith wavered.  One particular evening stands out in my mind as the worst.  As I was driving home after work, I could barely see the road because the tears were coming so fast and so furiously.  I wanted to give up.  As I sat stuck in traffic, I felt stuck in my life.  Nothing had changed. I was still in debt.  I was still single.  It seemed that no matter how much I tried to change my attitude, the landscape of my life remained the same.  I gave into a profound pity party and cried the entire way home; this was one of the worst moments in my life.  The helplessness was deeper than I'd ever felt before. That night while laying in bed I heard in my spirit, "your blessings are coming.  Have faith.  As long as you have life, you have the ability to change your situation."

The next morning, I felt relief from the grief.  As I cleared the eye of the storm, I realized that the storm was the blessing.  It started with one key insight: I was surrounded by my blessings, but I didn't know it because they looked different than what I had expected them to be.  For instance, I didn't win the lottery or find a basket of money sitting on my door step.  But what I did find was peace with my situation and the discernment that earthly possessions cannot possess my soul.  I now understand that there is spiritual gain through earthly loss.

I also found peace with being single.  I embraced it.  I took myself out on dates.  I went to the movies, parks, concerts--wherever I wanted--alone.  I found the courage to approach men I thought were attractive.  I went to places I knew dripped with single men and I mingled.  I didn't force it, I merely opened the door and waited to see what would happen. 

Once I knew there was another way--I didn't have to "survive" being single--I could love it, I started writing a book about it.  Then, I started this blog in hopes of spreading the word about being single and happy.  That's when irony set in--I met someone who took the single out of my being happy.  He and I both knew after our first date that we would be together for a long time.  I knew instantly that he was the partner I desired.  He is smart, charming, adventurous, caring, sexy and faithful.  He is everything I want wrapped up in a package that is perfectly tailored to my preferences.   

I think the moral of the story is pretty clear.  Expect your blessings in 2009, and expect them to look different than you imagine.   

Happy New Year: 2009 Can Be Your Best Year Yet!

I invite you to start 2009 by leaving some things behind. I challenge and encourage you each week to take steps toward your vision, to dream a bigger dream, listen to your life and focus on what's truly important to you. To do that, you must first ensure that you have a strong foundation on which to build. That means making a fresh start, if necessary.

There is no point in building a vision on a foundation muddied with unfinished business, unresolved issues, hurts and regrets because the vision will not be fully realized. Now is the best time to let go of any attitude, project, relationship or issue that weighs you down or impedes your progress towards a more purposeful and joyful life.

In Philippians 3:13, the apostle Paul talks about "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead." What things do you need to leave behind? Make a list this week and choose not to carry certain things into 2009.

Here are a few examples to get you started:

Projects and activities that you are not passionate about.
- You don't have time to spend on things that really don't matter to you anymore!

"Friendships" that drain your energy, are not reciprocal or are just plain abusive or inappropriate.
- Love and respect others, and expect to be loved and respected in return. Accept nothing less.

"Wishing" and "regretting".
- They do nothing to help you build a better future and leave you feeling powerless to change your life.

Grudges and unforgiveness.
- They keep you stuck in the past and drain you mentally, spiritually and over time, can even make you physically sick.

A broken heart.
- Choose to let go of what was, learn from the experience and start focusing on a vision for your future!

Failures and mistakes.
- Don't wallow in them. Learn from them.

Superficial status symbols.
- Is it possible you need to let go of something that makes you feel more important such as a job title, a certain relationship, a material possession you can no longer afford?

Negative attitude.
- Make a decision not to rain on your own parade. Stop embracing the reasons you cannot have the life you want and start embracing the reasons you CAN have that life.

Procrastination!
- Either get started, let the project go, or change the goal to something more manageable. Don't burden yourself by dragging this old habit into the new year.

These are just a few examples. Create your own personal list so that your foundation for 2009 isn't cracked by negative influences, attitudes or habits. Then choose to leave these things in your past. It is an act of faith. We hold onto the old because we are afraid to let go. Pray for the wisdom to identify what you need to let go of and for the courage to actually let it go. You will be delighted to see how God answers your prayer!

My challenge to you this week:
Prayerfully make a list of what you will let go of. Over the next week, take the steps necessary to begin the year with a slate clear of whatever you've been holding on to - whether it is a simple decision, a phone call you need to make, or a conversation you need to have, get the ball rolling!

Journaling question:
What is most difficult for you to let go of? What will it take for you to let go and move forward?

***This blog was written by Steven Foster.  Information on how to contact him forthcoming....

Whatever you do tonight...keep it Sexy, Safe & Satisfying!

Dear Bee - Part One: He's Getting Married???

Ladies & Gents!  I am starting a new series.  A couple of you have responded to my last few blogs with relationship questions.  I love it!  I love feedback, comments and questions.  Singleandhappy.net is the perfect discussion board where single men and women can break down barriers.  My goal to make the pages of this blog a safe place where we can find happiness and resolution in our collective dating circumstance. 

To provoke community discussion, I will give my readers a chance to respond before I post my response.  If, for example, "Distressed and Manless" asks if she should approach a co-worker she believes is covertly flirting, take a few moments to offer advice.  Click the comments link below and post your thoughts.  After I hear from you, then I'll chime in.  Let's start with Ms. "Stuck in a MAD Woman’s Dream"....

___________________________________________________

Dear Bee,

I read your blog regarding Beyonce’s song "Put a Ring on It".  But my question is, what do you do when he puts a ring on another woman’s finger?  How do I cope when I love a man who loves another woman?  Unrequited love is certainly the worst.  It burns.  Yesterday, I got the news he's engaged.  It broke my heart.  He always told me he didn’t want to get married.  What changed?  I experienced several emotions, I went from shocked to angry to numb.  A tiny voice in the back of my mind says I should be happy he found love.  A slightly larger voice is angry he isn’t with me.  And since I am being brutally honest, I have to admit there is also an evil voice (with much louder vocals) that wants the engagement to fold.  I want him to be as empty-handed as I feel.  But I believe in karma, and I don’t like putting that negative energy into the universe.  Help!  I have tossed and turned enough over this man.  How do I wake up and move on?

Sincerely,
Stuck in a MAD Woman’s Dream

Put a Ring on It - Beyonce Has Done it Again

Ladies, what would 2008 have been like, without Beyonce's "Get Me Bodied" and "Put a Ring on It?"  Did you jump up and scream, "that's my song!" whenever the DJ started mixing Beyonce into the flow?  How many times did you drop your drink or take it to the head, just so you could be on the dance floor witcha girlz when one of these songs came on?  Admit it, more times than you can count if you like being out and about on a Friday or Saturday night.

Beyonce is a performer, and undoubtedly a future icon of our generation.  During my lifetime, I can remember singing and trying to imitate the dance moves of several female entertainers.  There was Tina Turner, Salt-n-Pepa, Janet Jackson, Mary J. Blige and now Beyonce.  What do all these women have in common?  A survival story and passion.  With every new song, their success and sexiness drew a new line in the sand.

This morning as I drove into work.  I thought about Beyonce's latest hit, Put a Ring on It.  First I thought, this girl is working her thang....She's married, and still preaching to single ladies.  Like myself, she draws on her life experiences to spread the word about the single lifestyle.  She has a message that many people take for granted or simply overlook.  The single woman, though walking our streets in droves, is ignored.  (See 70% of African-American Women are Single.)  So I hope Beyonce continues to dance and pump out songs that bring us to the dance floor. 

Then I thought about the men who shoulda put a ring on my finger.  This would include the men who respected me, their mothers, and themselves.  The men with jobs and without criminal backgrounds.  The men who thought enough about their future to avoid 4 children and 4 baby-mommas.  The men who would never lay a hand on me or put my life in danger.

If you keep it real, any man out here can "wife" you.  But can he take care of you?  Most of us should be happy that an ex-boyfriend didn't put a ring on our finger.  During my twisted and misled dating history, there was only one man who met the criteria listed above and didn't put a ring on my finger.  The timing wasn't right.  I had not come into my own; he was ready and I wasn't.  In retrospect, I see that I needed at least another 7 to 8 years of spiritual development and personal maturation.  Had I gotten married in the late 1990s, I may have avoided several "no-good" ex-boyfriends and a lot of heartache, but I would have also missed the life-changing lessons that God intended for my life.

All I'm saying is--just because he's your boyfriend, don't think he needs to be your husband.  And just because you can look back and fantasize on a few of the good times with some joka, doesn't mean he would have profoundly changed your life for the better.  Set some standards, inform the next man and wait to see if he meets them.  If you never listen to anything I say, please heed these three words:  DO NOT SETTLE!  It will make all the difference as to whether you live a life that is happy and prosperous or not....

A Healthy Breakup - Part 2: Love Yourself & Reclaim Your Flavor

In every relationship both participants are part of a joint identity.  The commonly used pronouns, “I” and “me” usually give way to “us” and “we.”  This joint identity includes the thoughts, feelings, behaviors and preferences of both individuals.  This fundamental identity shift is profound and hard to disengage because it is an essential part of relationship building.  It’s taking black and white and creating something new.  Unfortunately, the new color permeates so deeply that onlookers may not be able to detect who you were before you created the third color. 

Herein lies the question, what do you do when it’s time to break up?  At the end of a relationship, instead of seeing that gray as a beautiful combination of your individual flavors—it only describes the melancholy of your mood and the color of your skies at mid-day. 

Love Yourself & Reclaim Your Flavor

It will take time to mend your heart.  It’s broken and nothing will fix it but time, chocolate and ice cream.  The only thing that will expedite your healing, is finding a way to love yourself without this person.  You must remember the black that created the gray and the red that fashioned the pink.  I always recommend time apart immediately following a breakup.  Have you ever tried to give up double chocolate cake while baking one every Sunday?  It’s nearly impossible.  Why torture yourself?  Remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.  (If there are children involved or some other circumstance that hinders separation, that’s another story.)  But if there is no reason to call or see him other than the fact that you are lonely, don’t do it!

Be Willing to Be Alone

I know.  It’s hard.  Most women don’t appreciate time alone.  It’s boring.  It’s tedious.  It’s lonely.  Throughout our lives we have gone from one institution to another and we’ve gotten lost in the mix.  First, our parents raised us, and we were a reflection of them.  Then there was grade school and we defined ourselves by our grades.  Then there was college and we defined ourselves by our choice of study.  Then there was our boyfriend (substitute causal lover, man, husband, etc.) and we found a way to lose ourselves in that institution/relationship.  Since the moment after delivery from our mother’s belly, most of us have found a way to avoid time alone.   

When a break up happens or needs to happen, one of the reasons we hold on so tightly is because we no longer remember our individual identity.  Once you are willing to redefine yourself and willing to be alone, you will naturally open yourself up to the possibility of a new relationship.  You will be confident in who you are, and you will radiate a light so bright that it will attract the man you desire.  This is an often unrecognized and underutilized law of attraction between the sexes.        

My Advice

Start your next relationship with a strong sovereign identity by ending that no-good relationship currently hindering your blessing.  Promise yourself that you will try.  From time-to-time, take an hour to focus on something other than your ex-boyfriend.  Rededicate yourself to yourself.  If this seems impossible, act as if you are a newfound lover in your life.  Be so excited about yourself, you can’t focus at work.  You can’t sleep.  You can’t wait until the next opportunity to spend time with yourself.  Think about the wonderful things you do and smile.  Reflect, observe and believe, “…aaaah.  It’s good to be you…”

 

TO BE CONTINUTED...

Top Ten Ways to Remain Single

Ladies, it's time we look at ourselves.  Let's be introspective for a moment.  What are some of the things we do that keep us single?  I'm sure you could go on for hours about your girlfriends, but what about you?  Here is a list of things that definitely hinder your happiness and help you remain single: 

10.  Sitting at home after work and on the weekends.  Being a couch potato is never a good look for the single woman.  Your cat or dog will love you for it, but your love life will suffer.  Your house maybe spotless, but those aren't the cobwebs you should be worried about.  Here's a hint, load your schedule up with events.  Cancel some if you need to, but go out!

9.  Refusing to entertain blind dates or friendly introductions.  What's wrong with meeting one of your sister's co-workers or your cousin's personal trainer from the gym?  If you're a savy single woman, a blind date will only cost you a little bit of time and effort.  Don't get me wrong, we've all heard about blind dates from hell...but have an exit plan!  You are not above a fake phone call from your girlfriend hiding in the bushes. Do whatcha gotta do, girl! 

8.  Dating a married man or otherwise involved man.  See my blog on Man-Sharing.

7.  Looking like an "in-cog-negro" when you run errands.  Guess what?  That hoodie and those sweat pants you had on the other day are not sexy!  Men need groceries too.  They run to the post office, gas station and mall on a regular basis.  Look good for crying out loud!  But please don't be the girl at the gym wearing big hoop earrings and bright red lipstick.  That's just tacky and desperate.

6.  Drinking too much when you go out.  Whether it's a company function, a networking event or a house party, stay away from the hard liquor if you can't handle it.  Getting loud and obnoxious is definitely not a good look.  And throwing up in a corner is a huge turnoff!  Onlookers, especially men, will shake their head and think, "see now, that's why she's single..."  (I love that phrase!) If you wanna drink too much and act a fool, save it for a night in with the girls. 

5.  Acting like a fool at the club.  See my blog on Club Etiquette 101.

4.  Passing up a man just because he doesn't look like Denzel or Morris Chestnut.  I can't even begin to count the number of men my girls pass up just cuz they don't look like a movie star.  Everyone gets touchy when it comes to this topic.  I know you have to be sexually attracted to him.  I am not saying date someone who repulses you.  Just be willing to give the man a chance.  A nice looking man with an ugly attitude is ugly in my book.  Check your book.

3.  Repeating the past.  How many times do you have to date the same type of brotha?  They are so much alike, you have to be careful not to call the new guy the wrong name.  I refer to this situation as dating the same demon in different clothing.  It's the cliche we all know very well: insanity.  Come on ladies, you know what you need to do to get different results!!!

2.  Dating men with illegitimate jobs.  I can't emphasize this enough!  (I'm not pointing fingers--I am guilty of this too...)  Remember Tommy from Martin's television show?  A man who has money, but doesn't go to work is a problem.  I don't care what the man does, as long as he is committed to legitimate work and handling his own, he has potential.  I know women who married street pharmacists.  And guess what?  They are basically living the single life while their husband is gone until November (2015).

1.  Treating singleness like a sickness.  I will continue to say this until it sinks in.  Life is about more than having a man.  Listen, you will be as happy in a new relationship--once the novelty wears off--as you are right now.  It's that simple.  Appreciate life and the opportunity to know yourself without outside distractions.  Think about the grass being greenest under your feet.  I know you have friends who are unhappily married or locked into in bad relationships.  They wish they were single!  Anyway, if you're still not convinced, I'll keep blogging...

If you want to add to this list, comment below or email me at bericka@gmail.com.

~bee. 

What's the Basis? Part 3: The Exxon Experience

PREFACE: This is Part 3 of a series called "What's the Basis?"  In this series, I will examine the things that happen to me and my girlfriends that are examples of the madness we experience in the dating world and beyond.  Ever had a guy show up for a date with a duffel bag and say, "I didn't know where the night was going."  That's a "What's the Basis?" moment.  Clearly the brotha was just trying to be prepared; he didn't realize he was totally off base with that one.  It happens daily!  Please email me at bericka@gmail.com if you've had a "What's the Basis?" moment. 

What's the Basis? Part 3:  The Exxon Experience

Every time I start to think my life is ordinary and uneventful, something happens to remind me that week-to-week, my life is no less than straight, unadulterated comedy!   The Exxon Experience left me completely speechless, seriously.  After the events unfolded, I stood dumbfounded and waited for the camera crew to come from behind the surrounding cars.  Surely, I was being Punked! 

It was a normal weekend; I had a date—okay, maybe a couple of dates—but I was only excited about one of them.  As a single woman, it is required that you date and date often.  This particular weekend was like a grand finale: bomb, bomb, bomb.  An evening at the club with an old guy-friend, a dinner date with a man I'd met earlier in the summer, and a Sunday morning church/brunch date with a pastor--don't ask--you'll bust your gut laughing at this story.  LMAO (Seriously...)

As I anticipated, only one of the dates turned out to be worth my while.   But this new friend had a work-related obligation after dinner, so our night ended early.  I, on the other hand was still wide awake, so I decided to go dancing with a few girlfriends.  Why waste a perfectly good Saturday night by sitting at home staring at my cats?  I walked in the door at exactly 8:52 pm, changed clothes, checked myself in the mirror...mmm! flawless!  And ran back out the door in less than 30 minutes.  I raced down I-295 (hair whipping in the wind), safely exceeding the speed limit and not drawing attention to myself from the cops who normally stake out the highway.  I made it to Martini's Bar and Lounge in Fort Washington, MD by the free cover charge deadline: 10:00 pm. Aaaah, victory.

 

It was a pretty good night.  The DJ was on point, the drinks were strong, and I was carefree.  I walked around, danced a little, but mostly sat at the bar reflecting on my date from earlier in the evening.  I wanted to text him.  Should I?  "No--be strong Bee," I told myself.  I couldn't, I wanted to reiterate that I'd really enjoyed our evening.  I sent the text, but got a message back from my phone saying that it was a land line.  Oh, I had accidentally programed his home phone as his cell phone.  I thought, Good!  I don't want to seem too pressed.  Gotta love the game!...

Nonetheless, it was a seemingly normal night until around 2:45 a.m. when I decided to leave.  I needed some gas and figured it was a better idea to gas up at the corner by the club instead of waiting until I got back home to SE where the streets would be empty.  Safety FIRST ladies! 

 

While digging around in my purse for my check card, I felt my car shift.  I thought WTF!  I looked up and there is a gray Jeep Cherokee kissing my car!  The windows are tinted so I can only see the outline of a person behind the wheel.  I sat there for a second, my head cocked to the side, thinking, "what is really going on?  I can't believe this guy just hit my car!"  I dropped my purse, got out the car to check my bumper after he backed off of it.  Lucky bastard!  There were no scratches or dents on my car.  His license plate must have hit my license plate.  I went back to my car to retrieve my check card without taking my eyes off of him--he's continued to sit in his car.

 

Shaking my head, I walked over to my gas tank and proceeded to fill it up.  The man behind the wheel finally got out of the car.  OMG.  I knew him from the club.  He frequents Martinis and Zanzibar.  I didn't know his name, but I knew his face.

He stutters but says, "I'm sa-a-a-aying dough, c-can I take you tu-u-u-u Sunday Champagne Brunch?"

"Excuse me?" I asked.  I know he didn't just say what I think he just said!

"Ye-eah, I thought you mi-i-ight like to go out wit' me tomor-r-rrow."  He was slurring his words.

"No, I don't think that is going to happen." I was condescending.

"Why, not?  You're a good looking woman, brunch would be on me."  His eyes were closed, he was swaying.

"Well the fact that you just hit my car is a start!"  I was fuming.  Did this man just hit my car, and then ask me out on date?  And how did he know what I looked like?  His eyes were closed.  My tank was almost full.  I needed to get away from this creep.

"Se-e-e-e, now dat's ya problem.  You don't even know a good thing when its staring you in the face!"

Was this joka serious?  As he walked into the gas station hopefully to get some coffee, he retorted,  "And that's why you're SINGLE!"

UHM. UHM. UHM.  My question is, what's the basis for all this madness?  Ladies, when a man like this is your only option, do yourself a favor.  Stay single!  AND if you meet a brotha at Martinis or Zanzibar with an older model gray Jeep Cherokee, holla at your girl.  I would love to help save you from the drama of this "good man."  *smile!* ;0)  ~bee

A Tradition is Born: The Story of My Island Hook

Wouldn't you love to be sitting in the Caribbean right now? 

Thirty some years ago, it was this blissful array of the royal blue sky and crystal clear waters that inspired my parents to come home with the tiny, undetectable package soon named Bericka.

Conceived in Bermuda, I have an genuine predisposition towards a life that is creative, romantic and involving lots of love. 

While my parents were prancing around the Caribbean, carefree and uninhibited, my mother purchased an Island Hook as a souvenir for her mother.  It's a silver bracelet with subtle character and charm.  I can imagine the hard-working native saying something like, "Ya ma'am,'dis will brin' ya lots of luv."  My mother, shy and not quite sure how to interact with the locals probably nodded, through him a hesitant smile and handed him the cash for the purchase. 

When my mother returned from her vacation/honeymoon she handed it to my grandmother, thinking it was a nice piece of jewelry she could wear on special occasions.  Neither had any idea the Island Hook had represented unity and love in the heart of islanders for centuries. 

Caribbean folklore states that when the open end of the hook is pointed up toward your heart, there is a significant other who has taken up residence in your heart.  When the open end of the hook is worn down, away from the heart, your love is free and available.  This is an inconspicuous way to tell onlookers whether you are attached or single. 

In the way a photograph has a thousands words, my bracelet's simple design speaks volumes about love.  My grandmother wore this bracelet until the day she died.  Then tradition was born when my mother handed it to me on the day of her mother's funeral.  My Island Hook is one of those mementos I will alway treasure because of its link to both my mother and my grandmother.

My bracelet, a blessed juju, can be found on my wrist everyday.  When I sleep it comforts my dreams and when I'm awake, it reminds me that love might be around the next corner.  It also reminds me of my grandmother and the bond she had with my grandfather.  Their love seemed infinite, as they were a couple who spent every day together until the day death parted them.  In 2008 this may seem like a novel idea, but that's the way it's supposed to be.

Is it Possible? A Healthy Breakup...Part 1

Sweetie, listen to me.  That pain in your chest is not a heart attack.  You are currently experiencing the withdrawals of a recent breakup.  Can't sleep?  Check.  Can't eat?  Check.  Wanna eat everything in your pantry?  Check.  Feel like your world is coming to an end?  Check.  Can't see a day when you will be happy again?  Check.  When he left, it felt like he took a part of you with him?  Check.

NOT SO...Your brightest days are ahead of you. 

If you've ever been in a relationship, you've also experienced a breakup.  Breakups are as frequent as the common cold in the height of the winter season; yet, to the woman reluctantly going through a breakup, it feels like the flu.  We live in a culture where relationships are started over night, but breakups take months and even years.

Is it possible?  A healthy breakup?...Yes!  You can find ways to cope with the changes in your life, grieve and eventually move on.  Considering I was dumped about 6 times this year, I have compiled a few helpful tips that helped me.  Here is part 1:

Brace Yourself when the Breakup is Looming.  Most of you know when a breakup is coming.  But if you feel blindsided it's because you were probably living in denial.  In retrospect, most women are able to see the signs they previously missed. Your boyfriend, who was with you every weekend, is suddenly scarcely available.  He finds ways to be unavailable for engagements that he would usually attend.  He becomes uncommunicative and despondent.  He is excited about everything that doesn't involve you.  He cancels dates and you two rarely have quality time.  Clearly something has changed. 

It's often hard to know whether a relationship is truly over or whether you are just experiencing a bump in the road.  Maybe time apart will prove that your relationship is not over.  It's possible the two of you are taking each other for granted.  Only time and careful consideration will tell.  Regardless, when a breakup is looming, it's time to prepare yourself for the single lifestyle. 

Hopefully you are not a jumper: a person who jumps from one relationship to another--it's not healthy.  Try to remember what your life looked like before you met this man.  You should have used your time to enhance your social networking skills, and you should have been going on lots of dates.  (Not a bad way to live.)  You should have appreciated your time alone and spent time re-inventing yourself.  You should have been exploring your city or picking up new hobbies.  (Call me a nerd, but as a single woman I taught myself how to knit, picked up sign language and learned to be comfortable with going to dinner, movies and concerts by myself.)  Whatever you do, you should be busy loving yourself. 

Single life isn't all doom and gloom.  With anything that doesn't come easy, practice makes perfect.  Look at singleness as a blessing in disguise.  You won't be coupled up and happy until you are single and happy.  Trust me--it's possible. 

TO BE CONTINUED... 

The Obama Baby & Crying Like a Baby

Dear Readers,

 

This has been a week of firsts.  Since Barack Obama won the 2008 presidential election, everything I’ve done has been achieved under the headline: THERE WILL BE A BLACK MAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE. 

My first breath during his acceptance speech was the deepest I have ever taken.  The first time I looked in the mirror after seeing his family on stage as Our First Family, I somehow looked different.  The chocolate in my skin was radiant and the white in my eyes was clearer.  I could see my roots: the slave and the businesswoman.  The African and the American.  I saw the 1800s, 1960s, and 2008 in my eyes.  The world had changed, and so had I.

 

This is my first blog under the new presidential elect.  The keystrokes feel different.  Each of the 26 letters and 10 numbers keys are embedded with possibilities.  If America can overwhelmingly elect a black man as their president, I can do anything.  Barack Obama has reminded us that it’s safe to dream again.  From the hood to Hollywood, from the projects to the President’s Oval Office, America really is the sweetest place on Earth.

It’s chocolate.

 

That night, at an election party, I watched in disbelief as the people around me cheered.  And then I watched as onlookers started to cry tears of joy.  On the screen, triumphant rivers flowed from Jesse Jackson’s eyes.  Then Oprah cried.  (Oh to have been in Chicago that night…)  It was intense, but somehow I held my composure.  I was too wound up to cry.  Honestly, it hadn’t hit me yet.  It was real, but it wasn’t.  I had longed for this moment since I was in my mother’s womb.  And as I watched it arrive, I was speechless in its birth…Every organ in my body was inert.  I had to remind myself to breathe.

So there was a voice in the back of my head that questioned my composure. My dad and my best friend had called me; I could hear the tears in their voices.  The next morning, I asked my mom, “did you cry?”  She had.  What was wrong with me?  How long would I be numb?

Then yesterday morning, as I sat on the bed and watched a young women talk about giving her newborn child the name Obama, the tears started like a neighbor’s sprinkler on a mid-afternoon timer.  I could not stop them.  It was the legacy that inspired me.  The thought about giving birth to children under the reign of a black president in the United States of America.  I thought about my grandmother who didn’t live to see November 4^th, 2008, but had provided the seeds that gave birth to my eyes.  I realized that while America is still a work in progress, we are working and walking in the right direction.

So I shed my tears for you and your loved ones, for me and mine.  This is our dream.  This is our day.  May your life be full of progress and change and hope!  God bless Barack Obama, his family, the long road ahead of him, and America.

Sincerely,

Bericka T. Wilkins

A Black Woman in the United States

It's Not Cupid if He's Stupid

Yes!  Ladies!  You should congratulate yourselves....You are reading Bee's blog, you are the hottest woman to ever hit DC's singles scene, you are out and about, you are meeting people, you are really doing it!  You are single and you love it!

Then...

You're hit by Cupid's fatal arrow.  I mean right smack in the middle of a party, she cocked back her bow and sent that arrow straight up in the air.  It arched and landed right in the middle of your forehead.  Dagggg, it stings!  You tried to play it cool.  It's not sexy to drool in public.  Could he be the one? I mean, he looked right straight at you.  His stare was intense.  He walked over to you.  His walk exuded confidence.  He stood right in front of you.  He smelled delicious.  Wow.  You took a breath so deep you nearly inhaled the air right out of his lungs.  Auhhhhhh.  This is what triumph feels like.

This man is everything you want.  Sexy?  Check.  Charismatic?  Check.  Smart?  Check?  Swagger and style?  Check.  Check.  His voice is deep and distinguished.  (His opening line isn't: "Guess how many kids I got?" True story, it happened to me...)  In light-hearted conversation he explains that he chooses to take the metro to work, instead of driving, because he sponsored a go green campaign at work....YES!!! He has a car, a house and a job...and bonus--he is environmentally conscience!  He is Mr. Wonderful.  Is it really possible?

Maybe...

After the number exchange, you go home feeling like you will never have to go to another party or bar again.  You and your man will spend the rest of your lives in each other's arms and live happily ever after*.  (*Results not typical!)  His conversation over the phone is engaging.  There are little things that he does, but nothing too obvious.  For instance, sometimes he forgets to call back when he said he would, but he is a busy person--so you excuse his forgetfulness.

After a few dates you're still excited about him, but something is bothering you.  He says he wants to be in a relationship, but his definition of a relationship leaves too much room for interpretation.  He doesn't understand the definition of commitment, and he's sneaky.  He says things like it probably isn't a good idea for you to come to his house, because his jealous ex-girlfriend is stalking him.  You agree, thinking he has so many wonderful attributes, a deranged ex is the least of your worries.  

The Onset of Drama:

After a few weeks there are so many lies and so much manipulation, you can't tell the difference between this relationship and your last relationship.  Your new boyfriend disappears almost every night of the week, and he is never available for causal conversation.  Ladies, I know you hate this one: he makes plans with you, then he doesn't show up and he doesn't call.  The next day he calls you with some lame excuse he apparently borrowed from his eight year son. 

And speaking of kids, you learn that he actually has 6 children by 4 different baby mammas, 5 of them stay with him at his mother's house, his job is a temporary assignment and for real--his car has been broke down for 2 years.  Just as quickly as your dreams of happily ever after emerged, they are shattered.  He is not your soul mate nor the man of your dreams.  He's a nightmare.  You thought the two of you were in love, but he is clearly stuck on lust.  (I know its hard to comprehend, but someone who loves you doesn't treat you this way...) 

And, I am not tripping about his situation, everyone goes through hard times.  Look at our economy, for crying out loud!  The true test of a woman's character is whether she can stand by her man through the good times and the bad times.  However, your problem with him should be the fact that he lied to you from the beginning.

The foundation of a solid relationship cannot be built on lies.  He is not what you want nor what you need.  The two of you may have shared some good times, but if he thinks you will buy into all of his crap, he's delusional.  The mere fact that he had to lie, cheat and deceive you makes him stupid.  Don't play into his game, it's fixed; you will lose every time. 

My Advice:

A man who will love you and care for you in sickness and in health will be honorable and respectable in the beginning--wait for him.  Quit the loser, and ride the bench this season.  You can't win this game--he's cheating.  There was no need for games, lying, and dancing around the issues.  Leaving won't be easy; you will harp on the fun times the two of you shared.  You will suffer from romantic amnesia, and you will tell yourself, "well, I always said I wanted kids."  A few children are okay, but let's not fill a minivan with just his kids. 

It will seem like everyone around you is in a relationship, but don't stay with him out of fear.  You are allowed a few weak moments--we all have them.  But in the end please wise up...its not cupid if he's stupid.  LET'S KEEP IT MOVING LADIES!!!  There are wonderful men out here, and plenty of time to find them.  In the meantime, be single and happy! 

Set Your Clocks Back!

its the fall!  fall back an hour.  party an hour longer!     Remember on Sunday, November 2nd to turn your clock back one hour!!

I Don't Do Halloween, But I Couldn't Resist!

The Numbers Game

One of the hardest games to play in dating is the numbers game.  It requires patience and stamina.  In the collective experience, there isn’t one woman alive who has made a connection with every guy she met or tried to date.  In my experience, I have found that you generally have to sift through a lot of men to find the gold pieces.  I call it the 10-to-1 rule.

 

Let’s say you meet ten guys, you will find that at least three of them are jerks.  These are the jerks you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.  These are the dates that should end abruptly, give the excuse that you left your curling iron on or you just got called into work.  In extreme circumstances, tell him you are an international spy for the government and a person you are investigating is sitting two tables down.  Be dramatic. When he goes to see who you are talking about, grab his hand and say, “You can't look!  You might draw his attention!” 

 

Then with a serious face, inform him that you cannot jeopardize your mission and you must leave immediately to report his location to your colleagues. Be sure to mention that he must never tell anyone about this conversation or this date, and you will do the same.  Once you get outside and around the corner, crack up and call your girlfriends.  Whatever your excuse is, get out of there.  Don’t waste your time on jerks!

 

Of the seven guys remaining who aren’t completely appalling, the bad news is that you’re only going to have chemistry with approximately three of them.  For one reason or another, you will find a way to sift through the other four candidates.  It could be any number of things.  Maybe you like a clean cut guy, and one of them brags about cutting his hair himself.   Clearly he can't draw a straight line, much less clip his hair straight. 

 

Another guy might be completely boring.  Perhaps he monopolizes conversations with stories about his job as an accountant.  He believes that accounting is the most interesting thing in the world, and can't understand why anyone wouldn't agree.  On dates he is so busy talking and not listening, he wouldn't notice if you left the room. 

 

Another one of the doomed four will size you up in the first five minutes, and determine you are the woman destined to take care of him.  He will ask for your hand in marriage on the second date.  I believe in love at first sight, but stalker at first sight is scary!  There is clearly an underlying problem there.  Unless you are ready to be a grown man’s mother, run for your life!

 

So now you are down to three men who you find reasonably attractive and you enjoy each other’s personalities.  Guess what?  It's likely that only one of them is actually looking for a relationship.  Every guy you meet, who would make the perfect boyfriend or husband isn’t ready to be tied down just yet; maybe eventually, but not in the moment you meet him.  You need to be ready to accept that.  An honest man will tell you if he is ready for a relationship.  A respectable man will really mean it.  Make sure his actions are congruent with his words.

 

How long does it take you to meet ten men?  Ten days or ten months?  It depends on how often you go out.  They don't knock on your door.  The key to being happily single is about keeping your numbers up.  To do it, you must rule out the men who won’t stick around and it keep moving.  You cannot waste your time on the 9 men who don’t make the cut. 

 

Are you the single woman who keeps a man around because he's a warm body at night and the two of you share a strong physical connection--even when it's clear he doesn’t want a relationship?  I can't advise this if you are sleeping with him.  Agree or disagree with me, but a bad guy with good sex can make you do things you wouldn’t normally do.  If you don’t understand why, stay tuned.  I have a lot to say regarding the games men and women play when it comes to sex etiquette.  Regardless, if you are not meeting men, you are likely to be single for a really long time.   

What's the Basis? Part 2: Club Etiquette 101

Okay, I admit it.  I have club-head tendancies.  I accept certain aspects of this title with the caveat that it simply means I enjoy going to the club.  You will never catch me exhibiting the behavior that one assumes normal of a club-head.  When I go out, I conduct myself like a respectable woman.  I enjoy dancing (and occasionally dropping "it" like its hot :0), but only because dancing is at the top of my list of pleasurable forms of exercise. 

And Lawd knows I am not looking for love in the club! Ladies listen: nine times out of ten, a relationship with that joker you met at the club is doomed.  History has proven itself, time and time again.  Whenever I met a man at one of my local hangout spots, it was a matter of days before I regretted giving him my number.

Beyond that, I'm tired of women disrespecting themselves in the club.  Everytime I see a woman allowing a man to put his hands all over her, I think wow, she either thinks she looks cool right now or she doesn't care how she looks.  Every weekend, without fail I see a woman bent over in front of a man to the tune of "shake ya money maker..." or some other song with degrading lyrics, but a good beat.

The last time it happened, I thought, "it's obvious the two of them just met."  I wanted to pull her aside and say, "He clearly isn't your man, cuz a man who wants to honor you wouldn't put you out there like that.  And clearly he doesn't want anything more than a quick thrill in the club, cuz he's just as guilty of acting like a fool as you."  

All I am saying is, can we have fun without all the lewd behavior?  I suppose this is why people shun the club environment.  When people go out and get a little bit of liquor in them, anything goes.  I wonder what will happen that night I am fed up, and I actually decide to go have a heart-to-heart with that woman shakin' her money maker?  Hummm.  I hope my girls got my back...

Single & Happy, For Real!

It may seem odd that 2 months, 34 posts and 34 comments into DC's premier single woman's blog, that I would finally introduce myself.  This morning I realized those of you who don't know me, might want to know why I am writing a book and blogging for single women in the DC area and around the world. 

My History

I am 31 years old.  I don't have children, I've never been married, my longest relationship lasted 6 months and my average relationship might survive the 30 day mark.  My friends have often said, "we aren't even going to bother remembering his name until week five."  I've been accused of finding my men at Costco: in bulk and variety packs.  (You got a good laugh at my expense that day, didn't you Mr. Mellow Yellow?)  The truth is, I have spent a majority of my life relationship-dysfunctional. 

What's Wrong With Me?

Earlier this year, I started to wonder whats wrong with me?  Why am I still single?  I am a good person, right?  (I had no idea the odds were against me in such a critical way.  Seventy percent of Black women are single; if you gamble, you know those aren't good odds)  It wasn't until I was in a really bad relationship with some intense emotional and verbal abuse, that the alarms went off.  I realized it wasn't me.

I realized there is nothing innately wrong with me.  I learned that being happily single was a better option than dating men who couldn't appreciate my worth.  Our mothers have told us since the beginning of time, "you can do better all by yourself!"  But since we were old enough to make excuses and believe them, we have told ourselves, we need sex, we need support, we need a man--even if none of it is any good. Hmmmmm...

So I started reading books and researching about being single and being at peace with it.  And slowly but surely things started to change.  A switch didn't flick on, but a dimmer slowly and steady brought light and enlightenment into my life.  I would lay in bed at night and be thankful I had a roof over my head, instead of cursing the empty space to my right.  I would find jazz spots and concerts that interested me, so I could mix and mingle.  I would go out by myself; I would go on dates and keep a safe distance from my suitor while I analyzed his intentions.  I started spreading the word, you can be single and happy.

The Opposition

Most women thought I was promoting a novel idea.  Men tended to think, "she is fooling herself cuz she can't get a man."  I didn't care.  I explained, "I don't want to be single forever, but I am dedicated to being happy while I am single.  My life started 31 years ago.  I won't wait for a man, to truly start enjoying my life."  Some men accepted my eager professions, others rejected it.  Most were insecure.  They were so used to needy women, they couldn't figure out how to approach me.  I wasn't interested in having sex with them, being used or objectified.  I was solely interested in sharing myself with someone worthwhile.

The Support

My girlfriends rallied around me.  Some were reluctant, but most were tired of being tired.  Being happy seemed like a chore to some of my girlfriends.  They had spent so long choosing to be unhappy, every fiber of their existance resisted.  I loved them and hugged them anyway.  I hoped that my joy would rub off.

My Advice

Be happy girl!  Love yourself first!  Single isn't a disease.  It is a blessed and sacred moment in time to learn yourself.  Make your mistakes.  Celebrate your achievements.  Live your life.  Empower yourself.  Then when you are old and married, you can sit around the fireplace on cold December nights and tell your daughters about your life as a single woman.  You can encourage her to wait for love and all its splendor.  You can kiss your husband, look him in the eye and know he was worth the wait.   

I love you.  God loves you.  You love you. 

What Would You Attempt To Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail?

Name-calling is wrong, but "I told you so" is down right ugly.

I recently heard a colleague say it to another co-worker.  After complaining about a decision he made, she came back with "I told you so."  I thought to myself, are you so desperate to be validated, that you would do it at the cost of someone's feelings?  The incident was completely inappropriate, but it wasn't directed at me so I brushed it off.  (Still a little self-absorbed...)

Nonetheless, on any given day, I am carrying around 5,632 insecurities.  I am plagued with thoughts like, I am not good enough for this, I can't that...You name it, it's in my self-doubt repertoire. 

The other day, I asked my sister if she thought I was good enough to make a living writing.  Her response was, "sure, but your proofreading sucks."  Okay, maybe she didn't phase it like that, but that's what I heard.  It was honest constructive criticism, but badly timed.  I am the first to admit that while I love words, I have been known to severely mistreat them.  When writing, I leave out words, inadvertently repeat them, misspell them and occasionally use the wrong ones--moreover, I have a hard time catching these blunders when I proof my ramblings.  She of course had no idea, but at the time I was suffering from self-doubt and was looking for a little validation. 

Then, to add salt to the wound, later that day I got an email from an online magazine declining my application to freelance.  Wow.  So commenced a session of berating myself.  The long list of "I told you so" started.  Do you really think you are good enough to make money writing?  Do you think you will ever finish and publish that book you started?  Talent isn't even in your vocabulary.  I TOLD YOU SO!   I TOLD YOU SO!   I TOLD YOU SO!  The negative self talk was so loud, it overshadowed all the positive feedback I had recently received.

I was ready to scrap the blog, burn my manuscript and quit everything that gives me a little bit of joy in the otherwise mundane existence I call my life.  I suppose it was no coincidence that a few days before my "I told you so" meltdown, I saw a decorative coffee mug that read, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" This quote attributed to Dr. Robert Schuller, kept me afloat that day. 

If I had three wishes, believing I am capable--regardless the task in front of me--would be a wish well-spent.

Needless to say, you are reading this blog, so I didn't scrap it.  After I got myself together, I drove to Cosi, pulled out my Mac Book and bought a grammar book off Overstock.com.  The silver lining: I realized "I told you so" is the ugliest thing you can say to another person and yourself.  I overcame that hurdle, and my determination meter moved up a few notches.  

Ladies, Protect Yourself!

Ladies, nearly 1 in 20 people in the District of Columbia is living with HIV/AIDS.  (Think about that every time you go to the club.) 

Encourage your girlfriends to be sexually responsible.   Help her understand that some men out here want to play, and they don't want to be safe about it. 

Moreover, just because she's dated him for a few months doesn't make him safe.  If he cheats he opens up the relationship to fatal repercussions. 

Softly preach and then practice what you preach.

Looking out for my sistas...

~bee