around the beehive

Dear Bee - Part One: He's Getting Married???

Ladies & Gents!  I am starting a new series.  A couple of you have responded to my last few blogs with relationship questions.  I love it!  I love feedback, comments and questions.  Singleandhappy.net is the perfect discussion board where single men and women can break down barriers.  My goal to make the pages of this blog a safe place where we can find happiness and resolution in our collective dating circumstance. 

To provoke community discussion, I will give my readers a chance to respond before I post my response.  If, for example, "Distressed and Manless" asks if she should approach a co-worker she believes is covertly flirting, take a few moments to offer advice.  Click the comments link below and post your thoughts.  After I hear from you, then I'll chime in.  Let's start with Ms. "Stuck in a MAD Woman’s Dream"....

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Dear Bee,

I read your blog regarding Beyonce’s song "Put a Ring on It".  But my question is, what do you do when he puts a ring on another woman’s finger?  How do I cope when I love a man who loves another woman?  Unrequited love is certainly the worst.  It burns.  Yesterday, I got the news he's engaged.  It broke my heart.  He always told me he didn’t want to get married.  What changed?  I experienced several emotions, I went from shocked to angry to numb.  A tiny voice in the back of my mind says I should be happy he found love.  A slightly larger voice is angry he isn’t with me.  And since I am being brutally honest, I have to admit there is also an evil voice (with much louder vocals) that wants the engagement to fold.  I want him to be as empty-handed as I feel.  But I believe in karma, and I don’t like putting that negative energy into the universe.  Help!  I have tossed and turned enough over this man.  How do I wake up and move on?

Sincerely,
Stuck in a MAD Woman’s Dream

A Healthy Breakup - Part 2: Love Yourself & Reclaim Your Flavor

In every relationship both participants are part of a joint identity.  The commonly used pronouns, “I” and “me” usually give way to “us” and “we.”  This joint identity includes the thoughts, feelings, behaviors and preferences of both individuals.  This fundamental identity shift is profound and hard to disengage because it is an essential part of relationship building.  It’s taking black and white and creating something new.  Unfortunately, the new color permeates so deeply that onlookers may not be able to detect who you were before you created the third color. 

Herein lies the question, what do you do when it’s time to break up?  At the end of a relationship, instead of seeing that gray as a beautiful combination of your individual flavors—it only describes the melancholy of your mood and the color of your skies at mid-day. 

Love Yourself & Reclaim Your Flavor

It will take time to mend your heart.  It’s broken and nothing will fix it but time, chocolate and ice cream.  The only thing that will expedite your healing, is finding a way to love yourself without this person.  You must remember the black that created the gray and the red that fashioned the pink.  I always recommend time apart immediately following a breakup.  Have you ever tried to give up double chocolate cake while baking one every Sunday?  It’s nearly impossible.  Why torture yourself?  Remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.  (If there are children involved or some other circumstance that hinders separation, that’s another story.)  But if there is no reason to call or see him other than the fact that you are lonely, don’t do it!

Be Willing to Be Alone

I know.  It’s hard.  Most women don’t appreciate time alone.  It’s boring.  It’s tedious.  It’s lonely.  Throughout our lives we have gone from one institution to another and we’ve gotten lost in the mix.  First, our parents raised us, and we were a reflection of them.  Then there was grade school and we defined ourselves by our grades.  Then there was college and we defined ourselves by our choice of study.  Then there was our boyfriend (substitute causal lover, man, husband, etc.) and we found a way to lose ourselves in that institution/relationship.  Since the moment after delivery from our mother’s belly, most of us have found a way to avoid time alone.   

When a break up happens or needs to happen, one of the reasons we hold on so tightly is because we no longer remember our individual identity.  Once you are willing to redefine yourself and willing to be alone, you will naturally open yourself up to the possibility of a new relationship.  You will be confident in who you are, and you will radiate a light so bright that it will attract the man you desire.  This is an often unrecognized and underutilized law of attraction between the sexes.        

My Advice

Start your next relationship with a strong sovereign identity by ending that no-good relationship currently hindering your blessing.  Promise yourself that you will try.  From time-to-time, take an hour to focus on something other than your ex-boyfriend.  Rededicate yourself to yourself.  If this seems impossible, act as if you are a newfound lover in your life.  Be so excited about yourself, you can’t focus at work.  You can’t sleep.  You can’t wait until the next opportunity to spend time with yourself.  Think about the wonderful things you do and smile.  Reflect, observe and believe, “…aaaah.  It’s good to be you…”

 

TO BE CONTINUTED...

Is it Possible? A Healthy Breakup...Part 1

Sweetie, listen to me.  That pain in your chest is not a heart attack.  You are currently experiencing the withdrawals of a recent breakup.  Can't sleep?  Check.  Can't eat?  Check.  Wanna eat everything in your pantry?  Check.  Feel like your world is coming to an end?  Check.  Can't see a day when you will be happy again?  Check.  When he left, it felt like he took a part of you with him?  Check.

NOT SO...Your brightest days are ahead of you. 

If you've ever been in a relationship, you've also experienced a breakup.  Breakups are as frequent as the common cold in the height of the winter season; yet, to the woman reluctantly going through a breakup, it feels like the flu.  We live in a culture where relationships are started over night, but breakups take months and even years.

Is it possible?  A healthy breakup?...Yes!  You can find ways to cope with the changes in your life, grieve and eventually move on.  Considering I was dumped about 6 times this year, I have compiled a few helpful tips that helped me.  Here is part 1:

Brace Yourself when the Breakup is Looming.  Most of you know when a breakup is coming.  But if you feel blindsided it's because you were probably living in denial.  In retrospect, most women are able to see the signs they previously missed. Your boyfriend, who was with you every weekend, is suddenly scarcely available.  He finds ways to be unavailable for engagements that he would usually attend.  He becomes uncommunicative and despondent.  He is excited about everything that doesn't involve you.  He cancels dates and you two rarely have quality time.  Clearly something has changed. 

It's often hard to know whether a relationship is truly over or whether you are just experiencing a bump in the road.  Maybe time apart will prove that your relationship is not over.  It's possible the two of you are taking each other for granted.  Only time and careful consideration will tell.  Regardless, when a breakup is looming, it's time to prepare yourself for the single lifestyle. 

Hopefully you are not a jumper: a person who jumps from one relationship to another--it's not healthy.  Try to remember what your life looked like before you met this man.  You should have used your time to enhance your social networking skills, and you should have been going on lots of dates.  (Not a bad way to live.)  You should have appreciated your time alone and spent time re-inventing yourself.  You should have been exploring your city or picking up new hobbies.  (Call me a nerd, but as a single woman I taught myself how to knit, picked up sign language and learned to be comfortable with going to dinner, movies and concerts by myself.)  Whatever you do, you should be busy loving yourself. 

Single life isn't all doom and gloom.  With anything that doesn't come easy, practice makes perfect.  Look at singleness as a blessing in disguise.  You won't be coupled up and happy until you are single and happy.  Trust me--it's possible. 

TO BE CONTINUED... 

It's Not Cupid if He's Stupid

Yes!  Ladies!  You should congratulate yourselves....You are reading Bee's blog, you are the hottest woman to ever hit DC's singles scene, you are out and about, you are meeting people, you are really doing it!  You are single and you love it!

Then...

You're hit by Cupid's fatal arrow.  I mean right smack in the middle of a party, she cocked back her bow and sent that arrow straight up in the air.  It arched and landed right in the middle of your forehead.  Dagggg, it stings!  You tried to play it cool.  It's not sexy to drool in public.  Could he be the one? I mean, he looked right straight at you.  His stare was intense.  He walked over to you.  His walk exuded confidence.  He stood right in front of you.  He smelled delicious.  Wow.  You took a breath so deep you nearly inhaled the air right out of his lungs.  Auhhhhhh.  This is what triumph feels like.

This man is everything you want.  Sexy?  Check.  Charismatic?  Check.  Smart?  Check?  Swagger and style?  Check.  Check.  His voice is deep and distinguished.  (His opening line isn't: "Guess how many kids I got?" True story, it happened to me...)  In light-hearted conversation he explains that he chooses to take the metro to work, instead of driving, because he sponsored a go green campaign at work....YES!!! He has a car, a house and a job...and bonus--he is environmentally conscience!  He is Mr. Wonderful.  Is it really possible?

Maybe...

After the number exchange, you go home feeling like you will never have to go to another party or bar again.  You and your man will spend the rest of your lives in each other's arms and live happily ever after*.  (*Results not typical!)  His conversation over the phone is engaging.  There are little things that he does, but nothing too obvious.  For instance, sometimes he forgets to call back when he said he would, but he is a busy person--so you excuse his forgetfulness.

After a few dates you're still excited about him, but something is bothering you.  He says he wants to be in a relationship, but his definition of a relationship leaves too much room for interpretation.  He doesn't understand the definition of commitment, and he's sneaky.  He says things like it probably isn't a good idea for you to come to his house, because his jealous ex-girlfriend is stalking him.  You agree, thinking he has so many wonderful attributes, a deranged ex is the least of your worries.  

The Onset of Drama:

After a few weeks there are so many lies and so much manipulation, you can't tell the difference between this relationship and your last relationship.  Your new boyfriend disappears almost every night of the week, and he is never available for causal conversation.  Ladies, I know you hate this one: he makes plans with you, then he doesn't show up and he doesn't call.  The next day he calls you with some lame excuse he apparently borrowed from his eight year son. 

And speaking of kids, you learn that he actually has 6 children by 4 different baby mammas, 5 of them stay with him at his mother's house, his job is a temporary assignment and for real--his car has been broke down for 2 years.  Just as quickly as your dreams of happily ever after emerged, they are shattered.  He is not your soul mate nor the man of your dreams.  He's a nightmare.  You thought the two of you were in love, but he is clearly stuck on lust.  (I know its hard to comprehend, but someone who loves you doesn't treat you this way...) 

And, I am not tripping about his situation, everyone goes through hard times.  Look at our economy, for crying out loud!  The true test of a woman's character is whether she can stand by her man through the good times and the bad times.  However, your problem with him should be the fact that he lied to you from the beginning.

The foundation of a solid relationship cannot be built on lies.  He is not what you want nor what you need.  The two of you may have shared some good times, but if he thinks you will buy into all of his crap, he's delusional.  The mere fact that he had to lie, cheat and deceive you makes him stupid.  Don't play into his game, it's fixed; you will lose every time. 

My Advice:

A man who will love you and care for you in sickness and in health will be honorable and respectable in the beginning--wait for him.  Quit the loser, and ride the bench this season.  You can't win this game--he's cheating.  There was no need for games, lying, and dancing around the issues.  Leaving won't be easy; you will harp on the fun times the two of you shared.  You will suffer from romantic amnesia, and you will tell yourself, "well, I always said I wanted kids."  A few children are okay, but let's not fill a minivan with just his kids. 

It will seem like everyone around you is in a relationship, but don't stay with him out of fear.  You are allowed a few weak moments--we all have them.  But in the end please wise up...its not cupid if he's stupid.  LET'S KEEP IT MOVING LADIES!!!  There are wonderful men out here, and plenty of time to find them.  In the meantime, be single and happy!