Dear Bee - Part One: He's Getting Married???

Ladies & Gents!  I am starting a new series.  A couple of you have responded to my last few blogs with relationship questions.  I love it!  I love feedback, comments and questions.  Singleandhappy.net is the perfect discussion board where single men and women can break down barriers.  My goal to make the pages of this blog a safe place where we can find happiness and resolution in our collective dating circumstance. 

To provoke community discussion, I will give my readers a chance to respond before I post my response.  If, for example, "Distressed and Manless" asks if she should approach a co-worker she believes is covertly flirting, take a few moments to offer advice.  Click the comments link below and post your thoughts.  After I hear from you, then I'll chime in.  Let's start with Ms. "Stuck in a MAD Woman’s Dream"....

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Dear Bee,

I read your blog regarding Beyonce’s song "Put a Ring on It".  But my question is, what do you do when he puts a ring on another woman’s finger?  How do I cope when I love a man who loves another woman?  Unrequited love is certainly the worst.  It burns.  Yesterday, I got the news he's engaged.  It broke my heart.  He always told me he didn’t want to get married.  What changed?  I experienced several emotions, I went from shocked to angry to numb.  A tiny voice in the back of my mind says I should be happy he found love.  A slightly larger voice is angry he isn’t with me.  And since I am being brutally honest, I have to admit there is also an evil voice (with much louder vocals) that wants the engagement to fold.  I want him to be as empty-handed as I feel.  But I believe in karma, and I don’t like putting that negative energy into the universe.  Help!  I have tossed and turned enough over this man.  How do I wake up and move on?

Sincerely,
Stuck in a MAD Woman’s Dream

Comments

[Excessive Happiness]

Dear Stuck in a MAD Woman’s Dream:

We salute the divinity in you this day and hope this message finds you well. Please come out of your dream state my dear sister, because it does not serve the nature of your divine presents nor will you ever attract your divine selection.

In coping, consider this relationship as a sign that you are beginning to attract exactly what you want in a man. This man said to you, “he didn’t want to get married”, it was a lead by divine power letting you know that this was not your divine selection. Release the love that you have for this man like a bird, and soon by divine right the perfect relationship will come into your life.

Remember, stay focus in the present moment on how grateful you are for just being, never dwell in your past, and only see the future as you want it to be………..

Truly the excessively happy one

[Momma]

Hi sweetie!

You will move on. Have you heard the song "Love the One You WIT". Just go through and don't let the one you are with know that you are felling this.

Love Momma!

[He's Not All That Anyway!]

Listen Girlfriend,

He probably wasn't even all that anyway...I hate to burst your bubble, but spend some time thinking about his faults. You are prob romanticizing him.

And now you are probably thinking, but I love his faults....WHATEVER!!! I don't know him, but I know you deserve better.

Let her smell his stanky feet! Find a men that smells good...

-LOL Girl

[CDN]

Hi Stuck in a MAD Woman’s Dream,

I feel your pain on this subject. I'm going through my share of male-related heartache as well. Unfortunately, you fell in love and he didn't. He does not have your heart and there is a reason the relationship ended. But think about one thing... what if it didn't. What if you stayed together and despite his lack of love and respect for you, he married you. Do you really want him if he feels that way? The marriage would be doomed to fail. Imagine the years of entrapment, living with someone who feels your relationship was a mistake and takes it out on you. At least your breakup didn't happen after years of marital misery, kids and an expensive divorce.

Sometimes we women have relationship difficulties and think marriage will be the cure for his misgivings and other problematic issues. You have to look at who he is now, not who he could be if this thing or that thing happens.

You deserve someone who you can depend upon, who loves you and will be there for you always. You don't deserve someone with lukewarm feelings.

Stay strong,

CDN

[YDB]

Dear Stuck in a Madwoman's Dream,

Two years ago, I would have been the one writing the letter that you wrote to Bee. Still to this day, I remember his wedding day like it was yesterday. I remember waking up that morning wishing that it was a different day. I remember his instant message the morning of the wedding, and I remember calling one of my closest friends crying uncontrollably and spending the entire day in bed pretending that I was sick, because I physically hurt because I was in so much emotional pain.

I truly know the pain that you are in, but I am also sure that you are a strong woman and trust me when I say that you will be okay. I'm not going to lie to you and say that you won't hurt, that one of "your" songs won't come on the radio and you won't feel ill, but you will and it does get better. That I promise you.

In some ways, you will thank him. You will be less tolerant of the crap that some men feel that you will take, you will have a better BS radar, you will respect yourself more.....Do Not in anyway shape, or form, let this experience turn you into what my friends at one time called me.....a bitter bi*?*. It's a bad experience in the wonderful love life that is yet to come to you.

Trust me when I tell you, you will emerge a stronger, better, you....

Signed,

YDB

[Naomi]

Get over him and move on. He was never truly yours to begin with and you should never get so wrapped up in someone that you don't have your own life. There is no reason for you to dwell on this man and your past with him. Get some business about yourself and move the hell on. It may be hard initially, but you'll eventually get over it.

[Eric Silver]

Dear Stuck,

1.) It’s not that he did not want to get married; he did not want to marry You.
2.) So What? There are/will be other opportunities with other men.

Here is the root problem, in your own words:

” A tiny voice in the back of my mind says I should be happy he found love.”
” A slightly larger voice is angry he isn’t with me. “
“ And since I am being brutally honest, … there is also an evil voice (with much louder vocals) that wants the engagement to fold. “

See? The dominant voices are the angry & evil ones, whereas the tiny voice -- the kind, understanding, and magnanimous one – gets drowned out. Trust me; that has not gone undetected, on a spiritual level, by your former lover.

Whether it was a subconscious awareness (Guess what? Men are intuitive also) or not, he sensed that you were a good person when things go your way, but when they don’t, your horns and fangs emerge. (Don’t fret; most of the human population behave exactly the same.)

To “wake up and move on” as you desire, you must accept, and come to terms with, your true nature, which you described above. Step away from emotion and examine your feelings logically, and consciously control how you react to them.

This is much easier said than done, and the process requires Years to master. But if you don’t do it, you will repeat this same scenario over and over again until you get it right, or die, whichever comes first.

Best wishes.

[Paula]

well i agree with the 1st response and also did u know u were being played second fiddle cuz in my personal opinion most women know when they arent #1 in someones life, its best to move on leave him be and begin creating ur own happiness elsewhere, yes easier said than done but it happens, more often than many may care to admit. u should not be bitter and should see each relationship for what it is/was and not hold urself or others accountable for what or why the relationship went wrong.

[Clarene Middleton]

Hope I don't get flamed for this, but this should be like a wakeup call for you.

I mean if me and a co worker are working for the same promotion and I get fired and he gets promoted I can play the victim and blame him or the company, but would I just be lying to myself.

He didn't want to marry you, because you didn't have what he wanted in woman. He found a woman with it.

I’m a man and I have been a few relationships and some women you know you can marry and some you know you just can't.

I have to say this, a lot of black women "SELF define themselves" as good woman. "I got a job, and I'm ambitious, so I'm a good woman". You can be rich and an be an ass hole, or successful and be a bitch. I mean come on, I can SELF define my self as Good Employee, but if I keep finding myself fired "which is what is happening to a lot of single woman", then maybe i need to take another look at myself.

A lot of women haven't receive honest feedback about themselves from a Man "other than drunk pillow talk" so a lot don't realize that they are not wife "or even girl friend" material. But guess what you do receive feedback, but not verbal. When I guy leaves you, and then get married to another woman "Feedback", when 5 out of 5 of you past relationship ends the same way "Feedback".

So maybe you need to stop hating on him, and start looking at yourself.

I can’t believe poster number two said this

" He probably wasn't even all that anyway...I hate to burst your bubble, but spend some time thinking about his faults" Spend some time thinking about "his" faults LMAO, LMAO, LOL.

Like thinking about his fault is going to help you solve your own. Read Aesop fable of the Fox and the grapes LOL. Let just say this commenter will probably stay single.

I'm not liking this blog, is it single and happy, or denial, and man bashing? I'm out.