The Numbers Game

One of the hardest games to play in dating is the numbers game.  It requires patience and stamina.  In the collective experience, there isn’t one woman alive who has made a connection with every guy she met or tried to date.  In my experience, I have found that you generally have to sift through a lot of men to find the gold pieces.  I call it the 10-to-1 rule.

 

Let’s say you meet ten guys, you will find that at least three of them are jerks.  These are the jerks you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.  These are the dates that should end abruptly, give the excuse that you left your curling iron on or you just got called into work.  In extreme circumstances, tell him you are an international spy for the government and a person you are investigating is sitting two tables down.  Be dramatic. When he goes to see who you are talking about, grab his hand and say, “You can't look!  You might draw his attention!” 

 

Then with a serious face, inform him that you cannot jeopardize your mission and you must leave immediately to report his location to your colleagues. Be sure to mention that he must never tell anyone about this conversation or this date, and you will do the same.  Once you get outside and around the corner, crack up and call your girlfriends.  Whatever your excuse is, get out of there.  Don’t waste your time on jerks!

 

Of the seven guys remaining who aren’t completely appalling, the bad news is that you’re only going to have chemistry with approximately three of them.  For one reason or another, you will find a way to sift through the other four candidates.  It could be any number of things.  Maybe you like a clean cut guy, and one of them brags about cutting his hair himself.   Clearly he can't draw a straight line, much less clip his hair straight. 

 

Another guy might be completely boring.  Perhaps he monopolizes conversations with stories about his job as an accountant.  He believes that accounting is the most interesting thing in the world, and can't understand why anyone wouldn't agree.  On dates he is so busy talking and not listening, he wouldn't notice if you left the room. 

 

Another one of the doomed four will size you up in the first five minutes, and determine you are the woman destined to take care of him.  He will ask for your hand in marriage on the second date.  I believe in love at first sight, but stalker at first sight is scary!  There is clearly an underlying problem there.  Unless you are ready to be a grown man’s mother, run for your life!

 

So now you are down to three men who you find reasonably attractive and you enjoy each other’s personalities.  Guess what?  It's likely that only one of them is actually looking for a relationship.  Every guy you meet, who would make the perfect boyfriend or husband isn’t ready to be tied down just yet; maybe eventually, but not in the moment you meet him.  You need to be ready to accept that.  An honest man will tell you if he is ready for a relationship.  A respectable man will really mean it.  Make sure his actions are congruent with his words.

 

How long does it take you to meet ten men?  Ten days or ten months?  It depends on how often you go out.  They don't knock on your door.  The key to being happily single is about keeping your numbers up.  To do it, you must rule out the men who won’t stick around and it keep moving.  You cannot waste your time on the 9 men who don’t make the cut. 

 

Are you the single woman who keeps a man around because he's a warm body at night and the two of you share a strong physical connection--even when it's clear he doesn’t want a relationship?  I can't advise this if you are sleeping with him.  Agree or disagree with me, but a bad guy with good sex can make you do things you wouldn’t normally do.  If you don’t understand why, stay tuned.  I have a lot to say regarding the games men and women play when it comes to sex etiquette.  Regardless, if you are not meeting men, you are likely to be single for a really long time.   

Comments

[jesse]

Heres the big one n my opinion. Most people dont have time to cultivate a relationship because of other obligations that arent fellowship related. The people that dont seem to have any time r the ones to stay clear from. Also I believe that 2 people who have time 4 each other even from the beginning should consider marriage. Marriage is not this bad word that peopl;e of this country have made it out to b. If more people married instead of staying single 4 so long thinking they r not the right person yet we wouldnt have this trouble that we now have n this country. The longer one stays single the more that person will not b committed 2 a serious relationship and the more of a chance that that person will b n2 promiscurity. Think about it.

[dchoneybee on a misson]

dear jesse:

i agree with a couple of your points. i think people should get married. i am an advocate of marriage. however, there is a huge disparity between the age an average black woman and an average white woman gets married.

before i was out of college several of my white counterparts were married. i wanted to be married. i wanted a boyfriend. how about just a man with a job? in our community it's hard to come by good men for several reasons.

1. the hip-hop culture implies that the thug attractive
2. too many of black men are behind bars and not on the street--probably a product of a popularized thug mentality
3. there is a rising number of black men who would rather be with other men or women of other races. (remember the myth--all black women have attitudes...)
4. many of us are relationship-phobic. we haven't been exposed to good wholesome relationships. most of us want what we see is in the media (refer to point #1)

i agree. being too busy for a relationship is a cop out. i used it for years myself. i piled on activities to avoid the fact that i was lonely if i wasn't surrounding myself with people.

but what does one do if they want to get married and they don't have any prospects? this is the idea i addressed in this blog. you have to date! you have to meet as many people as possible to open up your odds. i have friends that never go out--and so they never have dates. dates lead to relationships and relationships lead to marriage.

its that simple!!!

8 dates a week doesn't mean 8 different sex partners. HIV is real! we can't be out here having sex with every person we meet.

as i always say....when you have fun---keep it sexy, safe and satisfying!

~a dchoneybee on a mission: reducing the number of unhappy single black women, one blog at a time...

[jesse]

I wanted to comment 2 ur saying that thugs attract and there r not enough good men out there. Actually I know about 200 men including myself who are ready and available. None of these men drink or smoke or do drugs. It's because of this nice lifestyle that they are being rejected. Yes, you are right, thugs attract but there is no excuse at all 4 not being married yet. There are good men out there who take responsibility 4 their action. Remember, I know 200 good men including myself. Think about it.