Single & Happy, For Real!

It may seem odd that 2 months, 34 posts and 34 comments into DC's premier single woman's blog, that I would finally introduce myself.  This morning I realized those of you who don't know me, might want to know why I am writing a book and blogging for single women in the DC area and around the world. 

My History

I am 31 years old.  I don't have children, I've never been married, my longest relationship lasted 6 months and my average relationship might survive the 30 day mark.  My friends have often said, "we aren't even going to bother remembering his name until week five."  I've been accused of finding my men at Costco: in bulk and variety packs.  (You got a good laugh at my expense that day, didn't you Mr. Mellow Yellow?)  The truth is, I have spent a majority of my life relationship-dysfunctional. 

What's Wrong With Me?

Earlier this year, I started to wonder whats wrong with me?  Why am I still single?  I am a good person, right?  (I had no idea the odds were against me in such a critical way.  Seventy percent of Black women are single; if you gamble, you know those aren't good odds)  It wasn't until I was in a really bad relationship with some intense emotional and verbal abuse, that the alarms went off.  I realized it wasn't me.

I realized there is nothing innately wrong with me.  I learned that being happily single was a better option than dating men who couldn't appreciate my worth.  Our mothers have told us since the beginning of time, "you can do better all by yourself!"  But since we were old enough to make excuses and believe them, we have told ourselves, we need sex, we need support, we need a man--even if none of it is any good. Hmmmmm...

So I started reading books and researching about being single and being at peace with it.  And slowly but surely things started to change.  A switch didn't flick on, but a dimmer slowly and steady brought light and enlightenment into my life.  I would lay in bed at night and be thankful I had a roof over my head, instead of cursing the empty space to my right.  I would find jazz spots and concerts that interested me, so I could mix and mingle.  I would go out by myself; I would go on dates and keep a safe distance from my suitor while I analyzed his intentions.  I started spreading the word, you can be single and happy.

The Opposition

Most women thought I was promoting a novel idea.  Men tended to think, "she is fooling herself cuz she can't get a man."  I didn't care.  I explained, "I don't want to be single forever, but I am dedicated to being happy while I am single.  My life started 31 years ago.  I won't wait for a man, to truly start enjoying my life."  Some men accepted my eager professions, others rejected it.  Most were insecure.  They were so used to needy women, they couldn't figure out how to approach me.  I wasn't interested in having sex with them, being used or objectified.  I was solely interested in sharing myself with someone worthwhile.

The Support

My girlfriends rallied around me.  Some were reluctant, but most were tired of being tired.  Being happy seemed like a chore to some of my girlfriends.  They had spent so long choosing to be unhappy, every fiber of their existance resisted.  I loved them and hugged them anyway.  I hoped that my joy would rub off.

My Advice

Be happy girl!  Love yourself first!  Single isn't a disease.  It is a blessed and sacred moment in time to learn yourself.  Make your mistakes.  Celebrate your achievements.  Live your life.  Empower yourself.  Then when you are old and married, you can sit around the fireplace on cold December nights and tell your daughters about your life as a single woman.  You can encourage her to wait for love and all its splendor.  You can kiss your husband, look him in the eye and know he was worth the wait.   

I love you.  God loves you.  You love you. 

Comments

[TBB JR]

I think the self affirmation is perfect. No one needs someone else to define them. Your right if a man cannot appreciate your drive and dreams, then, they have the problem not you. I hope that recently you have met someone that you can look "in the eye and know he was worth the wait!!" LOL" Please keep being the strong black woman that I admire so much!!
TBB JR

[Claudia]

I agree with you completely. There is no reason to wait for a man to start enjoying our lives. I was married for 3 years, and in total I was with him for 7 years. It was a good relationship, but I ended up loving him as a brother instead of a man.
So we divorced, and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. And even though it would be great to meet that man that makes me believe in endless love... I wont wait for that man in order to enjoy my life.

I travel whenever I have a chance, I feel my life with the things I love everyday. I have a great family, and wonderful friends. Lately, I have only had short term relationship, because if I dont see a real future with him - I dont see the point of wasting my time.

My time is too valuable, and my life too rich to do that. And that is one of the wonderful things of living in DC - so many things to do!

So, congratulations! And continue making yourself happy every day!

[dchoneybee]

it's exciting that you are so self-aware.

you don't seem angry at your ex for not being your life partner. he played an important role in your life, and then the page turned. it was time for a new chapter. your new chapter included self-love and appreciation, traveling, family, friends and wonderful memories.

the best way to attract love (that endless love you mentioned) is to illuminate love without reason. give without reason and enjoy life without reason. that endless love will find you, complement you and embrace you.

continue to have fun with the man occupying your time for now, but remember it's your duty to meet new people whenever possible. don't be committed by default. don't stay in with him the random wednesday night you are supposed to meet your kindred spirit at the grocery store. Gods ways are mysterious. you never know when you will meet "the one." and YOU WILL.

believe it.

anyway, i have faith in you girl. you can balance it. you can work it! congrats to you! may you be single and happy while it lasts.

[GiGi]

Honeybee, thanks for letting the world know that it's ok to be single AND happy!!! The two things are not mutually exclusive. I have a great life, I absolutely love being me. Now of course I can't wait for the day when I can share "me" with the man who will be my life partner, but until that day comes, can I just be happy!!!

I have made a choice to love myself and my life right now. I'm not going to wait until that magical, elusive day when I meet that man who is going to "make my life whole", "complete me", or "be my better half". I'm already whole and complete, as a person. My future mate will be an enhancement to an already wonderful life, just as I want to provide that same enhancement to his life.

So, for now, I remain single and very happy!!! I've done married and miserable. Trust me, this is soooo much better!!! LOL

[Clarene Middleton]

I would have to agree with the other men who said = "she is fooling herself cuz she can't get a man". I remember this great book Secret of the Millionaire Mind, and it said you can't change the fruits on the tree, they are only a result of what the roots are producing. What are your root producing Bee.

Wow after reading your break down of your past relationship history, now i realize some things.

Interesting Blog.

Good Luck Bee.